Parenting
Your Miscarriage Is Not Your Fault
by Lisa Hartman
Updated: July 28, 2017
Originally Published: May 13, 2015
Just a day shy of my 12-week ultrasound, I found myself in the midst of a heavy miscarriage. I was barely three months along, and the timing felt cruel, like Mother Nature was playing a heartless joke. This was my third loss in just four years. My first was an early miscarriage at six weeks; had I not known I was pregnant, I might have mistaken it for an intense late period. But knowing made it painfully real. I kept my feelings bottled up, convinced that my late nights, stressful work life, and past habits were to blame. A relentless stream of self-criticism echoed in my mind, leaving me utterly devastated.
The second loss was an ectopic pregnancy, a harrowing experience where I had to choose between waiting for test results or risking serious complications. I chose the former, only to find out it wasn’t viable. I remember the cab ride to the hospital, feeling like I was trapped in a nightmare. They injected me with methotrexate, a drug that halts the growth of rapidly dividing cells. Once again, I was convinced it was my fault.
Then came that fateful 12-week miscarriage. The sight of so much blood terrified me. My partner, trying to calm me down as I struggled to change out of my blood-soaked clothes in the ER, rushed to get help. The nurse returned and reassured me, “Don’t worry, honey. This is totally normal. This is what happens.”
The reality is that nearly one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage, yet those who experience it often feel a deep sense of shame and guilt. A recent study published in Obstetrics & Gynecology highlighted that many of us misinterpret the causes of miscarriage, leading to undue self-blame. Among the 1,084 participants, nearly half felt guilty after their loss, and more than a quarter experienced shame. The actual statistics show that 15 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, but many believe the figure is much lower, around five percent. This misunderstanding is largely fueled by societal expectations to keep pregnancies under wraps until we reach the 12-week “safe” mark. In doing so, we isolate ourselves, making miscarriages a taboo topic.
Dr. Alex Ramirez, a specialist in early and recurrent pregnancy loss, noted that misconceptions about miscarriage are widespread. Because these losses are rarely discussed, many women and couples feel alone in their grief. Educating ourselves about miscarriage could help diminish the stigma surrounding it. In fact, about 60% of miscarriages are attributed to chromosomal abnormalities, meaning there’s often nothing you could have done to prevent it. Other causes can include uterine abnormalities or immunologic disorders, yet many mistakenly believe that stressful events or heavy lifting lead to miscarriages.
Sharing our stories is crucial; it helps break the silence and shame. If you’ve ever participated in an online community about pregnancy, you know how isolating it can be after a loss. It’s as if people think miscarriage is contagious. You find yourself hesitating to mention your experience, fearing you’ll trigger discomfort in others.
On one hand, society insists that anyone can have a baby, which can diminish the emotional weight of pregnancy. On the other, there’s little room for mourning a miscarriage. People often overlook the time spent dreaming about that child and the emotional bond formed during pregnancy. You can’t just “get over it” as if it’s an ordinary disappointment.
Women often feel compelled to remain silent due to the loneliness and pain of miscarriage. They search for answers, trying to make sense of why their bodies didn’t cooperate in fulfilling what many assume is an effortless process.
Research like this aims to reach those grappling with feelings of blame after a miscarriage. As women, we face enough challenges without adding self-blame to the mix. If you’re experiencing a miscarriage, don’t hesitate to speak to someone. Share your feelings and grieve your loss. Remember, it’s not your fault.
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Summary
Miscarriages are a common experience, yet many women feel shame and guilt following such losses. My personal journey through three miscarriages highlighted the misconceptions that surround them—many believe they are rare when, in fact, nearly one in five pregnancies end in loss. Education and open conversations are essential for reducing stigma and helping women process their grief. Remember, if you’re facing this heartache, it’s important to talk about it; you are not alone, and it is not your fault.
Keyphrase: miscarriage is not your fault
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