Updated: Dec. 20, 2016
Originally Published: May 10, 2015
As a mom, my expectations for Mother’s Day are pretty modest. A few sweet kisses from my little ones and a homemade card, even if it’s a scribbled mess, will make my day. However, I can’t help but wish for a few extras. Here’s a list of things that would truly elevate my Mother’s Day experience.
- A wine tap. Imagine a beer tap, but for wine. Genius, right?
- Just five minutes of quiet. Honestly, I’d settle for just three.
- Gwyneth Paltrow should totally tattoo “I’m better than you” on her forehead. It’s the logical next step.
- A truckload of Magnum caramel center ice cream bars. But let’s make it a refrigerated truck parked in my driveway for easy access!
- Celebrities need to stop discussing their disbelief in science, like vaccines. Seriously, can we get a halt on non-experts publishing medical advice?
- Let’s bring back the appreciation for curvy bodies like in the 16th century. The Renaissance Era had it figured out!
- A dedicated font for sarcasm. I really need this in my life.
- Also, a “screw you” font. I’m a writer online, so I could use this even more.
- A Facebook filter to block everyone pushing momtrepreneur junk. I’m set on face cream, thanks.
- I dream of a world where women embrace their wrinkles. Let’s take a stand against the Botox industry!
- Heels that don’t feel like I’m walking on stilts. Is it just me?
- A simple “thank you” every now and then wouldn’t hurt. Just two words.
- Fat-burning cake. How is this not a thing yet?
- Childless parenting advisers need to be quiet. I want advice from those who actually know the struggle.
- It should be legal to give toddlers sleeping pills. Come on, FDA!
- A robot that collects all the toys in my toddler’s room at night. See point #15.
- Extra-large diaper wipes the size of paper towels. I use them for everything!
- A cartoon designed solely to teach children the art of silence. How has this not been created?
- A maid. Sorry, Grandma, but I’d love some help!
- A weight-loss plan that revolves around wine and Goldfish crackers. I could stick to that!
- A Twitter filter to block morning tweets about exercise instead of coffee. Seriously, who are these people?
- Gisele Bündchen should gain 75 pounds. Enough said.
- Successful women need to stop acting like motherhood is the hardest thing ever. It’s a challenge for all, but it can get annoying.
- A foot rub that lasts longer than a minute and a half. Why even bother?
- A book titled “My Descent Out Of Hell – Memories From A Tiger Mom Cub” is definitely coming.
- Research proving that mothers who enjoy a drink and curse a bit have the happiest kids out there. It could be true!
- Know-it-all parents should refrain from sending open letters criticizing others. Enough already!
- The ability to rock white jeans without fear. Sure, it’s impractical with two young kids, but who cares?
- No more lists about what not to say to moms or pregnant women. It’s exhausting!
- Let’s refer to women having kids in their late thirties as “smart and ready,” not “advanced maternal age.” Who’s old, anyway?
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In summary, while the simple things in life bring joy, a mom can always dream of a few fun extras. Whether it’s a wine tap or a robot to tidy up toys, these wishes reflect the humor and reality of motherhood.
Keyphrase: Mother’s Day wishes for moms
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