Ah, the distinct aroma of patchouli mixed with artisan soaps and the scent of overpriced organic produce—it’s enough to make even a stuffy nose cringe. Yet, when it comes to diet fads, that place has a monopoly on the latest trends. They always offer profound insights into my eating habits: why I choose what I consume, why I sip on certain beverages, and why I indulge in specific snacks. No, not people—heavens, no! But these enthusiastic salespeople seem to think bacon is some sort of beloved character. Bacon is delightful, while that character is purely fictional. Please don’t try to guilt me into giving up bacon.
Well, too late for that. Ugh.
I’m aware of the health risks associated with obesity, but when I attempted to articulate to the salesperson that knives can also be dangerous, I was promptly escorted out. Yet, not before I snagged a handful of their brochures, unsolicited advice, and that distinctive odor to bring home to my family.
Here’s what I discovered while experimenting with various diet trends:
- Clean Eating: If “clean eating” means consuming the remnants of my children’s meals while I tidy up the kitchen, then I’ve been doing this for ages. I’m sure you can relate.
- Juice Fast: When your preschooler insists on only drinking juice boxes, it’s like living with a tiny version of Gandhi—if Gandhi were sugar-fueled and upset about the color of the sky.
- Gluten-Free: When I can whip up dinner without leaving the couch, it’s considered “gluten-free.”
“Hey, can I have microwaved popcorn, pickles, and Spam for dinner?”
“Absolutely, son, I’m right here on the couch, so it’s gluten-free.”
I’m mastering the art of “healthy” living. - Plant-Based: As I savor cheesy scrambled eggs with crispy bacon, I simply imagine it’s a vibrant bowl of quinoa, kale chips, and raw beets. Let’s be honest: if my kids won’t touch a perfectly cooked steak because it’s red, there’s no chance they’ll go near a beet. That color is practically Lady Macbeth-red.
- 21-Day Fix: This one is a staple in our household. It involves attempting to make dinner for 21 days straight, only for nobody to eat it. We also refer to this as the Pizza Hut fix—did you know that pizza can be gluten-free, too? I just sit back, and it arrives at my door.
- Paleolithic Diet: This is when my kids use dinosaur figurines as makeshift utensils to eat their chicken nuggets and mac and cheese. Meanwhile, I’m enjoying a generous glass of wine poured from a T-Rex cup. Roar!!! I’m convinced this inspired one of Katy Perry’s hits.
- Breatharian Diet: My kids have taken a liking to this one since it means they don’t have to eat anything at all. After a series of pleas for candy, they eventually come to realize that meatloaf sounds far more appealing than starvation.
This post originally appeared on May 8, 2015.
If you’re interested in delving deeper into parenting topics, check out our other post on the Cryobaby Home Intracervical Insemination Syringe Kit Combo for more insights. For those looking into self-insemination, the At-Home Intracervical Insemination Syringe Kit is an essential resource. Also, consider visiting the World Health Organization’s pregnancy section for valuable information.
In summary, my journey through various diet trends has highlighted the humorous realities of parenthood, the challenges of feeding kids, and the often absurd nature of modern dietary advice.
Keyphrase: diet trials insights
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