I often found myself dreaming about intimate encounters with an ex or navigating bizarre scenarios involving a mash-up of former flames. My friend, observing my contemplative expression, offered a sympathetic smile. “Sweetie,” she said softly, “those dreams don’t vanish after you tie the knot.” How naïve I must have sounded, thinking that marriage would magically transform my inner world.
During my single years, I viewed marriage as a panacea: Once I’m married, loneliness will be a thing of the past. I’ll feel a sense of purpose. My anxiety will fade. I’ll effortlessly connect with others, feeling at ease at social gatherings. I’ll forget the loves I’ve lost. But, of course, none of that materialized. While I do feel happier and more supported now, the notion that marriage would erase all my worries was a misconception. I still shed tears when a song transports me back to a past relationship, and my dreams reflect the bittersweet nature of life.
Just last week, I dreamt of sharing a passionate kiss with an unrecognizable guy. We were both young, perhaps teenagers, and upon waking, I felt a wave of nostalgia wash over me, realizing I might never feel that exhilarating rush again.
Some people have pre-wedding meltdowns—perhaps they run off with a stripper or impulsively chop off their hair. I never went through that phase. I had been waiting for this commitment for a long time, and the idea of marrying one person didn’t frighten me. Yet, sometimes, as I navigate my responsibilities, I feel a twinge of fear creeping in—The Beginning is over, and I’m now in The Middle. Soon, The End will come.
If getting married is like buying a coffin for your youth and freedom, then having a child is akin to hammering in the final nail. (Metaphorically speaking, of course; I believe they have modern latches for that.) Becoming a parent starkly emphasizes your own mortality. As Jerry Seinfeld humorously pointed out, “I love my baby, but let’s be real—babies are here to replace us. They’re adorable and sweet, but they want us out of the picture.” The excitement of discovery now belongs to my son. In the natural order of things, I’ve passed my youthful curiosities onto him.
Yet, I recognize that there are still joys ahead, ones that come with age: enhancing my living space, witnessing my son’s growth, and cherishing long-standing relationships. However, it’s undeniably strange and poignant to confront my aging self—to understand that years are slipping by while still vividly reliving the thrill of discovering a new love in my dreams. This is where dreams make sense: I embody both my current self and a timeless emotional version. It terrifies me to envision this ageless self trapped in a decaying body, yearning for freedom. This is the part of me that resists giving way to the next generation.
It was this very self that bristled at being corrected by one of my brightest students. In a rush, perhaps distracted by thoughts of adjectives, I had written r-h-i-n-o-c-e-r-u-s on the board. I scolded myself; I knew better.
I may have my flaws—I’m not athletic, I often feel anxious, I can be irritable, and I struggle socially—but darn it, I can spell. I was even a contender in the National Spelling Bee! In my mind, I was The Spelling Queen, perched atop a throne of dictionaries. Then, suddenly, this young prodigy—a mere 12-year-old on his way to the National Bee—sneaked up and toppled me.
Just like that, the student became the teacher. I fell comically, protesting and whining, moving through it all in slow motion—much like how I perceive my own aging. Yet, the beauty of marriage is having a partner to experience the falls with. “I misspelled ‘rhinoceros,’ and I’ll never make out with anyone new again! My knees creak when I climb stairs, and I can’t remember anything!” I lament, and he simply takes my hand. He understands.
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In summary, the strange and quirky nature of dreams doesn’t end with marriage. While I’ve traded some youthful experiences for new joys, the emotional self remains timeless. The journey of parenthood and partnership continues to be filled with unexpected challenges and heartfelt moments, all while navigating the intricacies of aging.
Keyphrase: The quirks of marriage and dreams
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