It’s astonishing how a trivial disagreement, like whose turn it is to take out the trash, can escalate into a full-blown argument. Before you know it, what started as a minor issue has turned into a heated confrontation, with both parties saying things they don’t really mean. Often, the original topic gets lost in the chaos.
A wise friend once reminded me, “It’s not just what you say, but how you say it.” The tone and phrasing can either incite defensiveness or foster understanding. Dr. Alex Thompson, a psychologist dedicated to enhancing communication and reducing conflict, outlines three particularly toxic phrases to avoid during disputes—and offers alternatives that can lead to a more constructive conversation.
1. “The issue with you is that you’re… (lazy, selfish, clueless).”
It’s all too easy to fall into the trap of labeling others. If you’re asked to tackle a tough project at work, your boss might seem “unreasonable.” Someone cuts you off in traffic? They’re “an idiot.” When your partner craves more intimacy, they might appear “clingy.” But when the roles are reversed, you might label them “distant” for not giving you enough attention.
Dr. Thompson refers to this as “moralistic judgment,” which suggests that when others don’t align with our values, they’re at fault. Such judgments exacerbate conflict, making the other person defensive. No one responds positively to “The issue with you is that you’re lazy!” Instead, try expressing your own needs. For instance, saying, “I need more support,” focuses on your feelings instead of placing blame.
2. “You make me feel… (sad, angry, overlooked).”
We often say someone “makes us feel” a certain way when we’re upset. If your partner doesn’t give you enough attention, you might exclaim, “You make me sad.” However, this phrasing shifts responsibility for our feelings away from ourselves. While someone’s actions can trigger emotions, they don’t create them.
Dr. Thompson emphasizes that our feelings are ultimately our own. Instead of blaming others, acknowledge your feelings as a response to unmet needs. For example, instead of saying, “You make me feel unappreciated,” you could say, “I feel unappreciated when my efforts go unnoticed.” This shift encourages personal accountability and opens the door for dialogue.
3. “You should… (do the dishes, pay more attention to me, stop being so demanding).”
When people don’t meet our expectations, it’s common to resort to “should” statements: “You should help out more,” or “You should trust me.” Dr. Thompson identifies this as “communicating desires as demands,” which alienates the other person. Has anyone ever felt positively motivated by a “you should” remark? Likely not.
Instead, express your desires in a way that invites cooperation rather than resentment. Rather than saying, “You should help with chores more,” try, “I would appreciate it if you could help with the chores.” This phrasing encourages collaboration and a willingness to contribute.
What to Say Instead
When emotions run high, it’s easy to point fingers at others. However, this approach often overlooks our own feelings and needs. To shift the focus back to yourself, Dr. Thompson suggests a four-step communication model:
- Observation: State the facts without judgment. “It’s been several days since the dishes were done,” rather than attacking their character.
- Feelings: Share how you feel in response to the situation. “I feel overwhelmed when the chores pile up,” instead of blaming them directly.
- Needs: Communicate your underlying needs. “I need support to feel balanced at home,” rather than merely expressing dissatisfaction.
- Request: Make a request instead of a demand. “Could you please help with the dishes this week?” rather than dictating what they should do.
Of course, it’s not always easy to remember these strategies when emotions flare up. It’s crucial to train yourself to pause, breathe, and gather your thoughts before responding.
For more resources on effective communication, check out this guide for home insemination techniques, as well as March of Dimes for valuable pregnancy information.
Summary
In arguments, avoid phrases that blame, judge, or demand. Instead, focus on expressing your feelings and needs, and make requests that foster cooperation. This approach can transform conflict into a constructive dialogue.
Keyphrase: phrases to avoid in arguments
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