Let’s be real: I have zero patience for anyone who says they absolutely adore being pregnant. Are they lying, clueless, or perhaps channeling their inner Gwyneth Paltrow? Honestly, I can’t tell, but I definitely don’t trust them. Nature has blessed us with some forgetful hormones that help erase the pain of this experience. If not, the human race would be in serious trouble.
As I near the end of my pregnancy, I find it increasingly difficult to remain optimistic when I can’t even indulge in a drink. So, for those of you who encounter a Very Impregnated Person (VIP), here are some reasons to be kind and perhaps treat them to a donut or two.
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My breasts have sent a clear message: any hope of returning to my pre-pregnancy body is a distant dream. On average, women gain around three pounds per breast during pregnancy. One of mine seems to have taken it all, while the other is stuck in a middle school nightmare. The only way I can hope to find a bra that fits is by crafting a bizarre contraption from two others. If you see me leaning to one side, now you know why—gravity is no friend.
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As I approach 36 weeks, my midwife casually reminded me about the upcoming Strep B test. “You remember what that means?” she asked. Let’s skip the subtlety, shall we? Yes, I remember—it involves a Q-tip in an uncomfortable place. At this point, we can call it what it is.
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Everyone keeps telling me how high I’m carrying. Well, let me tell you, I feel like one more sneeze will reveal my baby’s hair color. If this is considered “high,” I can’t fathom how low is defined. Am I supposed to be walking around with my pants sagging around my knees because they’re stuffed full of baby? Seriously, how can I carry any lower without actually giving birth?
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Strangers have taken to telling me, “You’re almost there!” while doing an enthusiastic fist pump. I have four weeks left, people. That’s 28 days. 672 hours. 40,320 minutes. If you have any sense, you’ll turn around and run in the opposite direction of my face-punch. Oh, and please order me a pizza on your way out—don’t forget to tip!
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The phrase “barefoot and pregnant” never made much sense to me until now. My feet have ballooned into what I can only describe as personal flotation devices. I could probably make a fortune walking on water at this point. Even flip-flops don’t fit; my skin swells around the straps. Anyone still wearing heels at this stage is either a robot or Gwyneth Paltrow, and again, I’m suspicious.
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Speaking of swelling, my wedding rings are taking a break on my nightstand. I almost needed to cut them off. Add “liberating your sausage fingers from their white gold shackles” to the ever-growing list of coconut oil hacks.
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Early in my pregnancy, a belly rub was tolerable because it meant I looked pregnant and not like a walking dough ball. Now? My skin is stretched to the max, and the sensitive skin around my belly button feels like it’s on fire. Every time someone touches my belly, I leap back with a noise resembling a distressed llama. It’s partially intentional because, seriously, STOP TOUCHING ME.
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If one more person tells me I’m “eating for two,” I swear I’ll lose it. The next time someone chuckles that phrase while I reach for a cupcake, they’re getting crop-dusted. Everything hurts, except for this delicious cupcake, and I will not let anyone ruin that joy. The only time someone should be telling me I’m eating for two is when they’re handing me another cupcake, implying how underfed I look.
At this stage, not even a horror story about a 97-hour labor could scare me away from giving birth. The only thing on my mind right now is the simple pleasure of sitting on the toilet without needing to brace myself. No amount of brain-eraser hormones will make me forget that my nipples have expanded to sizes visible from outer space.
In summary, the last month of pregnancy brings a flurry of discomfort, unsolicited advice, and odd body changes that make even the most patient person feel overwhelmed. It’s essential to approach those going through this experience with kindness and perhaps a little treat from time to time.
For more information on pregnancy, you can check out this excellent resource on Healthline as well as this guide for home insemination kits if you’re considering starting your journey. And for those interested in fertility options, take a look at this helpful kit.
Keyphrase: Last Month of Pregnancy Struggles
Tags: [“home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”]