Sometimes, I find myself caught up in the cycle of “why me?” Why did my relationship end? By all accounts, it seemed unlikely. We had been together for three years before our engagement. I chose to marry at 28 and waited until I was 32 to have my first child. Both of us had solid college degrees and thriving careers. Statistically, we should have been the exception to the rule of divorce rates, which hover around 50%. Yet, here I am, navigating the complexities of life as a divorced woman.
It’s a lonely path, especially when you live in an upper-middle-class bubble where divorce isn’t common. Yes, my marriage didn’t work out. Life happens. But then I spiral into the why-me’s of dealing with an ex who seems determined to make life difficult. I hear tales of ex-husbands who prioritize their children’s well-being, attend family events, and treat their former partners with kindness. Yet, my ex won’t even acknowledge my presence. Why is he so intent on causing me pain? Why did he drag me to court, forcing me to deplete my savings just to secure basic support?
This leads to a heavy sense of self-blame because being a victim doesn’t align with who I am. What did I do wrong? At what point did I veer off the right path? What flaws do I possess that led me here?
The truth is, we all have our flaws; it’s simply part of being human. We make countless mistakes in a day. There’s no magic solution to eliminate our humanity; I’ve tried every method, from medication to meditation.
I’ve come to realize that what I need is radical self-love, self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance. They say if you want something, you should give it away generously. So, when I find myself drowning in why-me thoughts, I shift my focus to forgiving my ex-husband. It may sound peculiar, but I recognize that by granting forgiveness, I’m also freeing myself.
It’s not just about him; I also think of the friends I’ve lost during this divorce—those who only know a sliver of the truth but still point fingers; long-time friends who abandoned me due to my choices; neighbors who took sides. I strive to forgive them too, understanding that we all stumble.
The lessons I’ve learned through divorce have transformed me in profound ways. Today, I’m a better person than I ever was during my marriage. I’m more patient, empathetic, and grounded than I’ve ever been. When I focus on these aspects, I begin to think, why not me? I deserve this newfound strength and serenity that emerged when I shed the armor I wore to survive my marriage. If my ex couldn’t be my ally, then I’m fortunate to have him distanced from my daily life.
This shift in perspective is radical and requires daily practice. Each time the why-me thoughts invade my mind, I consciously replace them with why NOT me? I remind myself of all the blessings I have—truly, I am one of the luckiest women alive. After all, I deserve happiness and a life filled with love. I’ve walked through the fire and emerged—burnt parts left behind—if I choose to see things differently.
And so does he. So do we all.
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Summary
This piece reflects on the journey of overcoming the “why me?” mentality after experiencing divorce. It emphasizes the importance of self-love, forgiveness, and shifting perspectives to embrace personal growth and happiness post-separation.
Keyphrase: Why I Stopped Asking ‘Why Me?’
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