“Let’s be the brains, and you can handle the looks.”
Those words struck me hard when spoken by some well-meaning male classmates back in high school. As we teamed up—two guys and myself—for an English project, I had thought we were united by our intellect. That comment made me rethink everything.
Forget about pretty.
I’m not saying I reject the desire to look pretty or the idea that others should find women attractive. I’m talking about the exhausting implications of what “pretty” means.
This message is for my delightful 3-year-old daughter, who loves trains and cars just as much as she does dolls. She may choose pink cupcakes but insists that blue is her favorite color. Over the past three years, I’ve been grappling with how to respond when you ask me why I wear makeup.
I could say it’s to enhance my beauty, which is partly true. But wouldn’t that suggest I feel inadequate without it? What kind of role model does that make me? I want you to understand that you don’t need makeup to be beautiful, because you already are.
But I hesitate to tell you that, because you are so much more than pretty. You are smart, brave, funny, silly, generous, and spirited.
Forget about pretty.
This message is also for my remarkable 14-year-old stepdaughter, who is petite and beautiful yet despises every picture of herself. She seems to genuinely believe she is overweight. I wish we could turn back to the time before selfies, when self-reflection meant looking in a mirror and not through a barrage of filters and angles on social media. Being a teenager was challenging enough without all that.
I want you to know that it wouldn’t matter if you were “fat” (which you are not), and that even if you were, you would still be intelligent, kind, creative, and yes, still pretty. Because beauty isn’t about having the perfect nose or slimmer thighs.
Forget about pretty.
And then there’s my incredible 17-year-old niece, who is quickly becoming a rising star in the Canadian modeling world. Scouted at 16 by a top agency, she’s diving into a career where beauty reigns supreme. I’m proud of her, but deeply concerned.
I worry she might feel pressured to develop an eating disorder to compete with other models or to get ahead. I hope she never forgets that she is much more than just her looks—she is intelligent, witty, kind, and yes, pretty too.
Forget about pretty.
After all these years, I still grapple with my need to wear makeup. I see other women who go barefaced and think, “Wow! She looks stunning without any makeup.” So why do I assume that no one feels the same about me? My husband prefers me without makeup, yet I wouldn’t dream of stepping out to a gathering without it. What am I so afraid of?
The concept of pretty is complex. While I still feel the pressure to conform to that ideal, I grow frustrated when that’s the first thing people notice about me. I fiercely protect my youngest daughter from the weight of that word and everything it carries.
In today’s Disney-infused culture, I worry that our girls are learning that the heroine must have a tiny waist, flawless makeup, and hair, waiting for a prince to rescue her. That’s not the role models our daughters should aspire to. True heroines are like Malala Yousafzai, who bravely fought for her education and became the youngest Nobel Peace Prize winner. Malala is courageous, articulate, intelligent—and yes, pretty—but not because she fits some narrow standard, but because she embodies so much more.
Forget about pretty.
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In summary, the concept of “pretty” is a burden we need to shed, especially when raising the next generation. Our daughters and nieces deserve to be recognized for their intelligence, bravery, and kindness rather than just their looks.
Keyphrase: The Pressure of Pretty Parenting
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