Parenting
Nurturing a Positive Adult Relationship with Your Daughter
by Jenna Carter
Updated: July 23, 2020
Originally Published: April 14, 2015
As a mother of sons, I’ll admit my experience in raising daughters is a bit limited. However, if I were to guide a daughter into adulthood, I would definitely ensure she has a copy of Melissa Kirsch’s The Girl’s Guide: Navigating Your Complex and Incredible Life. Kirsch, a senior editor at The Mid, brilliantly addresses the array of challenges young women face. With expert insights and a blend of humor, she offers practical advice, making it hard not to love a book that starts with a chapter titled, “Real Women Get Pap Smears, Eat Bread, and Negotiate Cease-Fires with Their Full-Length Mirrors.”
I recently had the opportunity to pose some questions to Kirsch, and her thoughtful answers contain valuable wisdom for both our daughters and us.
She emphasizes that regardless of age, many young women still yearn for parental approval. We all want our parents to affirm our choices, celebrate our successes, and embrace our partners. Even as adults, we often slip back into seeking approval when around our parents—this desire never fully fades, despite what our therapists might suggest.
In The Girl’s Guide, Kirsch discusses the necessity of evolving relationships between parents and their adult children. This transformation requires recognizing that parents are flawed beings who have made their fair share of mistakes. For parents, it’s essential to see your children as independent adults. While it’s natural to want to protect and guide them, it’s important to understand that the protective instincts which were beneficial during their childhood can feel controlling as they grow older.
This doesn’t imply that you abandon your role as a parent; rather, your role expands to appreciate the unique individuals your children have become. You can shift from lecturing to advising, from insisting to recommending. Take a deep breath—you’ve done the hard work of raising an independent adult. If parenting had a closing clause, it would simply state, “Let go.”
We also appreciate advice that encourages daughters to keep in touch with their parents through calls, texts, and emails. But how can parents balance the need for communication with giving their children space? The key lies in the relationship dynamics. Some families may text daily, while others might have monthly phone calls. Establishing a routine check-in, like a scheduled Sunday night call, can ensure regular communication without overwhelming either party.
Given the multitude of communication options available today, you can tailor how you stay in touch based on your family’s preferences. For instance, I frequently exchange emails with my dad, while I have weekly phone conversations with my mom. The important thing is to maintain some level of regular contact—there isn’t a one-size-fits-all method.
While I’m not keen on diving into the debate over “helicopter parenting,” I recognize that excessive communication can be stifling. If you sense your child feels overwhelmed by your check-ins, remember to ease up a bit. This doesn’t mean you care any less; it simply signifies a shift in how you express that love. Both parents and children benefit from a little distance as they adapt to their new roles.
On the topic of social media, young women face a minefield of challenges. Parents often worry, but there are key pieces of advice that can help. First, pay close attention to privacy settings. Remember that potential employers and other important contacts may see everything you post. Second, think before you tweet—would you say your comment out loud at a party? Lastly, don’t take social media interactions to heart; a lack of likes or follows doesn’t define your friendships.
Regarding dating, Kirsch advises young women to keep their options open and to avoid investing fully in one person too soon. This approach helps maintain perspective and protects against heartache. While dating culture may seem daunting, it’s thriving through platforms like Tinder, which are now a standard part of the dating landscape.
Mothers can play a crucial role in ensuring their daughters stay safe while dating. Encourage them to meet in public places, to be discreet with personal information, and to know they can reach out for help without fear of judgment.
Kirsch also shares her reservations about the “Friends with Benefits” concept, noting that while it might seem appealing, it often leads to complications. Relationships that mimic romance can stir up emotions that make it hard to maintain a platonic friendship afterward.
Finally, when discussing the potential for a guide for young men, Kirsch suggests that the core advice remains the same: Stay humble, be grateful, and treat all life experiences with respect.
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In summary, nurturing a healthy adult relationship with your daughter involves recognizing her independence while transitioning from a protective role to one that fosters mutual respect. Regular communication, understanding the evolving dynamics, and providing supportive guidance are key to this relationship.
Keyphrase: Healthy Adult Relationship with Daughter
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