- Kids who are grown-up don’t have accidents. Let’s be real; you’ve had your share of mishaps. Remember that time during your pregnancy? Or after that intense marathon when your stomach revolted? Then there was that Taco Tuesday when moderation was thrown out the window, and you barely made it to the bathroom.
- We’re leaving right now! Yeah, right. It’s going to take a solid effort to pry those tiny fingers off the monkey bars and drag your flailing toddler back to the car.
- You can stay here, but I’m going home. Like you’d actually leave your kid behind. But hey, a little reverse psychology might just get you back to bingeing on cookie dough ice cream and your favorite shows.
- No dessert until you finish your broccoli. Actually, you can totally have dessert without eating your veggies, and let’s not pretend otherwise.
- We’re out of M&Ms. They’re stashed away in an empty Wheat Thins box, awaiting your late-night indulgence the moment your little one falls asleep.
- Don’t use mean names. Except, sometimes you really should, like for that rude person at the post office or the one who left you high and dry in the bathroom.
- If you don’t brush your teeth, they’ll fall out. They’re baby teeth; they’re going to come out no matter how well your kid brushes.
- Mama’s got a little boo-boo. Really, Mama just needs a nap.
- Daddy misses you! Let’s be honest, Mama really needs a break.
- Mama needs a break. Or maybe a glass of wine. Or a little Valium. Or both.
- It’s broken. You just took the batteries out. There’s only so much of that VTech stuff you can handle in a day.
- It’s a popped balloon animal. Nope, it’s a condom. Don’t ask questions.
- It’s yucky! Actually, it’s Starbucks—a deliciously creamy cup of happiness.
- It’s a milkshake! Sorry, it’s actually a spinach smoothie.
- It’s candy! Nope, it’s just Tylenol.
- It’s lemonade! Actually, it’s a laxative.
- It’s just a little scratch! It’s gushing more blood than a horror film.
- It’s a magic potion! Nope, it’s rubbing alcohol, and it’s going to sting.
- It’s just a tiny bugaboo! OMG, IT’S A COCKROACH! The ultimate horror that could haunt you forever.
- Dora isn’t on right now. You didn’t switch the channel to Nick Jr. You’ve seen enough of that animated purple monkey and his fox friend. You’re just waiting for Dora to get caught with whatever shady substances she’s carrying in that backpack.
- Mama doesn’t know where The Very Hungry Caterpillar is. It’s on top of the fridge, and if you hear that story one more time, you might just eat all the snacks yourself.
- You are driving Mama CRAZY! Honestly, you’ve been on the Crazy Train since your little one arrived, especially when they pulled that first spit-up move.
- If you don’t stop (kicking, screaming, pulling Mama’s hair, etc.) by the count of three… You never actually finish that sentence, do you?
- That’s it, I’m done! You’re never really done. The moment you had that little one, you signed up for a lifetime of their antics.
While honesty may be the ideal approach, it’s not always practical during the toddler years. For even more parenting tips and to navigate through the challenges of motherhood, check out this post about how an at-home insemination kit can change your journey, or explore more on pregnancy from this resource.