Oh, you guys. Seriously. All the frustrations of the universe seem to have conspired against me, and I’m still pregnant. It’s a real downer.
Every single morning, I wake up and boldly proclaim, “Today’s the day!” Then, by evening, I find myself washing clothes that I’ve soaked through, only to realize there’s no sign of amniotic fluid. This little one is really testing my patience—and my laundry skills. Come on, baby, just listen to your mother!
Last week, I was convinced I was on the cusp of labor. After experiencing some false alarms, I thought my body was gearing up for the grand finale of pregnancy. I walked into my OB appointment eager to find out how far I had dilated. On a scale from “You can’t have sex for six weeks” to “Let’s get this baby out!” I was ready for any progress. But alas, I left feeling even more deflated; nothing had changed except the waistband of my maternity pants becoming more strained.
In a moment of desperation, I decided to embrace the old wives’ tales that the internet touts for inducing labor. Here’s a not-so-structured list of my attempts:
- Pressure Point on the Ankle: What a joke. I spent an entire evening watching both a True Blood episode and The Newsroom, pressing that so-called magical point on my ankle. The result? A sore ankle and no baby—just a lot of wasted time.
- Fresh Pineapple: If this worked, I would’ve been in labor weeks ago. I’ve devoured whole pineapples—sometimes even in a single sitting! They taste great but do absolutely nothing to bring on labor. Just a lot of juicy mess to clean up.
- Intercourse: This one is a classic, but honestly, it seems like a myth. It’s as if someone’s husband just made it up as a joke, and his wife believed him. Those poor souls.
- Playing with Babies: I thought if I surrounded myself with cute little ones, my baby might feel jealous and decide to join us. Nope. My baby is far too smart for that kind of passive-aggressive tactic.
- Riding a Bicycle: I didn’t actually ride a bike, just sat on one in Target. After doing everything else on this list, I figured that just saying “bike” would make my baby pop out. But alas, no such luck.
- Taking a Walk: I really dislike moving at this point, but I trooped on anyway. Where did it lead me? To the checkout line at Target, where I ended up spending nearly $200 on things I didn’t even need. Worthless.
- Eating Spicy Food: I’m a total lightweight when it comes to spice, so I went for the mild salsa. It made me sweat, but in terms of labor, it was a total bust.
If you came here seeking solutions or encouragement to escape your seemingly never-ending pregnancy, I’m sorry to say that hope has left the building. You might just be pregnant forever!
If you’re looking for more insights on pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource for family-building options at resolve.org. And if you’re interested in DIY approaches, consider visiting Make a Mom for an at-home intracervical insemination syringe kit, or explore their impregnator at-home insemination kit for more options.
Summary
After attempting seven different methods to induce labor, including pressure points, pineapple, and even playing with babies, I found myself still very much pregnant. Each effort resulted in disappointment and no baby, leaving me to face the reality of my situation with humor and a hefty laundry load.
Keyphrase: Inducing Labor Tips
Tags: [“home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”]