The First Circle:
Ah, the remnants of infancy, those toys bought with blissful optimism before the little one arrived. “$42 for a squeaky toy? Cheaper than a night out, right? Let’s do it!” Remember those joyful days filled with anticipation? Now, that absurdly priced squeaky giraffe stares down at you from the towering pile of clutter—mocking you hard.
The Second Circle:
We must protect the baby from harm! All toys must be crafted from wood, organic materials, and dyed with the essence of pomegranates. And heaven forbid any figures of commercialism enter our precious child’s mind!
The Third Circle:
“HELLO! MY NAME IS BUDDY, WON’T YOU BE MY FRIEND?” Let’s sing! Let’s count to twenty! Let’s crank the volume to levels that rival a 90s rock concert, and let’s ensure the batteries explode just enough to fuse the on/off switch into an unyielding mess of plastic. “BUDDY LOVES FUN JUST AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE A SHOWER WITHOUT DISTURBANCE!”
The Fourth Circle:
Someone mentioned the need for fine motor skills, and now we’re all in. Let’s gather some huge building blocks and marble runs, only to spend hours questioning why nothing stays assembled and why we’re always on the verge of tears.
The Fifth Circle:
Superheroes, superheroes everywhere! The obsession is real, and it’s overwhelming.
The Sixth Circle:
Your child has finally reached the age where they won’t swallow every colorful plastic piece in sight, according to the federal government. Hooray! But they also refuse to reimburse you for the vacuum that just devoured sixteen handfuls of Lego hair.
The Seventh Circle:
Sunshine is lovely, isn’t it? Wouldn’t it be delightful to create art with chalk, chase bubbles, or launch foam rockets at the neighbors? Yes? Fantastic! NOW GET OUTSIDE. DO NOT BRING THE ROCKET BACK INSIDE. PLEASE, JUST GO OUTSIDE.
The Eighth Circle:
This is the “We Should Spend More Time Together” circle—the “I’m Sorry You Broke Your Foot Jumping Off the Climbing Dome” circle. It’s the realm of older kids and the “What Can We Do That Won’t Take Up More Space?” conundrum. It’s all about pretend cooking. Doesn’t chopping pretend tomatoes sound delightful? And what fun it is to use a small peeler to prep imaginary potatoes. This is the circle of desperate parents, pleading, “For the love of all that is good, someone else learn to cook dinner, please. Can’t I just get thirty minutes on the treadmill? *quiet weeping.*”
The Ninth Circle:
Nothing costs less than $200. Seriously. Except for accessories. Then you find yourself thinking, “$42 for a case/charger? I mean, it’s either that or a couple of hours of babysitting. By the time we add parking and dinner, $200 feels like a steal!”
This article was originally published on March 27, 2015.
For more insights and engaging discussions about parenting, check out our other posts, like the one on home insemination kits at Make A Mom. If you’re exploring the journey of parenthood, you might also find Healthline to be an excellent resource.