Recently, fashion moguls like Marco and Lucia made headlines by dubbing babies conceived through IVF for same-sex couples as “synthetic.” While I’m no expert in reproductive technologies like they are, I’ve compiled a list of telltale signs that could help you distinguish a synthetic child from a “real” one:
- Controlled Slumber: Synthetic kids have a remarkable ability to fall asleep on cue. With just a gentle wave of your hand, they’ll settle in for the night and remain undisturbed until your alarm rings. The genuine child, on the other hand, will likely request “just one more story” or a tiny sip of water—only to sneak back into your bed before dawn.
- Absence of Bodily Fluids: Real children are known for their ability to create messes—whether it be vomit, runny noses, or unexpected potty accidents. In contrast, synthetic offspring will produce none of these bodily excretions, making them a rare find indeed.
- Cruciferous Vegetable Lovers: Want to test if a child is synthetic? Offer them raw cauliflower. If they enthusiastically munch on it and ask for more, you may have found a genetic marvel. They’ll happily consume broccoli, brussels sprouts, and kale without any fuss. This will all happen during designated meal times, free from any fake gagging or demands for ketchup.
- Impeccable Behavior: A genuine child is notorious for leaving toys scattered around and coloring on walls with markers they found in high cabinets. Synthetic kids, however, play quietly with their educational toys and always put them back where they belong—after sharing with siblings, of course.
- Behavior That’s Unquestionable: Synthetic children never throw tantrums in public places. They will politely comply when you say it’s time to leave without buying new toys, and they’ll even ask for a snug fit on their car seat for safety reasons, waiting patiently until they’re home to enjoy their organic snacks.
- Dental Hygiene Enthusiasts: A synthetic child will eagerly ask about the last time they brushed their teeth and will use dental floss correctly—rather than as a makeshift toy. You won’t hear any complaints about brushing their teeth before bed; they’ll approach it like an exciting activity.
Unless all these characteristics are present, it’s safe to assume that the child in question is a “real” one. So, next time you meet a mother, refrain from inquiring about how her child was conceived—whether through IVF, surrogacy, or traditional means—because honestly, it’s not your concern. She’s likely too occupied with diaper changes, nap time battles, and Lego-related injuries to engage in that conversation.
For those interested in the world of home insemination, be sure to check out CryoBaby’s at-home insemination kit, which provides valuable resources for aspiring parents. Additionally, March of Dimes offers excellent guidance on pregnancy and insemination. And for those curious about the intricacies of artificial conception, our post on CryoBaby’s intracervical insemination syringe kit is a must-read!
In summary, while the concept of synthetic children may be amusing, the reality of parenting is filled with challenges that are all too real.
Keyphrase: synthetic children
Tags: [“home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”]