Here I am, wide awake with a headache. Can you even get a headache while you’re sleeping, or is this just a cruel joke? Why am I not feeling the urge to pee right now? Is something off with me? Probably just dehydrated.
Time to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Just a routine check-up. How frequent are those supposed to be, anyway? Honestly, I’m so exhausted I can barely function. If only someone would send me a reminder.
All the things you do to me echo in my mind. I’ll take “English Electronica Bands from the ’80s” for $400, Alex. My friend always goes off on these tangents. One minute she’s discussing her Native American history project, and the next, she’s talking about a house elf from the Harry Potter series. I’m lost.
Shouldn’t I get up and do something? Isn’t that what they say? If you can’t sleep, just embrace being awake. But I’m too drained to even move.
Should I invite them to the upcoming bat mitzvah? They probably won’t show up, will they? Yet, they’d be upset if they didn’t get an invite. What if they actually come? The guest list is already expanding, and oh my goodness, I can’t fathom how much this is going to cost.
I need a job. A steady one, with benefits—like vacation time.
But wait, I do enjoy my job—well, jobs. What I need is a formal job description. If I had one, I could set real office hours: The Mother Is In. Ha! I crack myself up.
When is she going to wake up? I know she will, just like the past two nights. Three is supposed to be the lucky number, right? Why do people even say that? Time to Google it.
There’s no point in trying to sleep when I know she’ll just wake me up again. Maybe that’s why I’m still awake—I’m preemptively alert, like a soldier always on guard.
Why is it always me? And, oh my goodness, I can’t believe I saw that celebrity in her birthday suit. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
Indy or Han Solo? Harrison Ford is as old as my dad.
Come on! If she’s a narcissist, is it my fault? Twelve years of compliments might’ve spoiled her. Thanks for the late advice, experts.
Am I a narcissist? Oh no, what if I am? If you are, do you even realize it?
Don’t forget to mail the mortgage check.
I really can’t get enough of this chaotic life. I need a solid seven hours of sleep to function tomorrow. Yes, I can do this. Think positive. I’m surfing the wave of optimism.
Is meditation a path to sleep? Facebook seems to be against me. Do people even like me?
I feel a little lightheaded—probably from dehydration and fatigue.
Legalize it. She probably thinks I’m a stalker, but I genuinely appreciate what she’s saying. Liking things is nice, right? Maybe I just “like” too much.
Worms. I wish Carol and Daryl would kiss already.
Here she comes. You’re like an angel, bringing me love, and I just can’t get enough.
I might be ruining her sleep, but I’m not getting up to tuck her back in. She won’t be three forever. Just can’t get enough of these moments.
This article was originally published on March 14, 2015.