If you’ve ever found yourself cramming 25 goody bags for a child’s birthday bash or watching your seven-year-old writhe in discomfort while penning the same two lines on 25 thank-you cards, then you know that maddening impulse that sometimes strikes during these tedious tasks: the urge to bang your head against the wall—consistently.
Ah, those infuriating goody bags and thank-you cards. Why do we put ourselves through this?
Here’s my theory: there’s an elusive league of super-moms whose sole purpose is to leave regular moms feeling overwhelmed by imposing ridiculous social norms that no sane person could meet without some serious caffeine or sugar rush. This clandestine group likely gets funding from Hallmark and that toy manufacturer known for those tiny parachuting soldiers (the ones that get tangled the first time your child plays with them and inevitably end up in the trash while your kid wails).
Let’s call this organization “The Committee for Imposing Social Norms on the Everyday Mother” (because they thrive on complexity). They refer to themselves as “The Social Norms Committee” for short.
Ordinary mothers are, of course, not invited to their gatherings, which is how nonsensical ideas like goody bags and thank-you cards get the green light. If a few regular moms were to infiltrate one of these meetings and the subject of goody bags arose, it might go like this:
One brave mom would kick a metal chair and proclaim, “You’re seriously suggesting that after I shell out $150 on a grass-murdering bounce house, I should also fork over another $50 for bags of useless junk for each kid?” Committee members would exchange nervous glances and whisper, “Well, how else can we make the rest of the moms feel inadequate?”
The dialogue would be unfiltered because they wouldn’t realize that a few ordinary moms had breached their fortress. The ordinary mom would retort, “But what if I’ve already spent hours cleaning and decorating my house while also entertaining and feeding guests? Isn’t that enough?”
At this point, the Committee would sense something was off, as real committee members don’t use language like “enough.” They would hastily call for a vote on goody bags before chaos ensued. “All in favor?” someone would ask, and everyone but the ordinary moms would raise their hands. Meanwhile, the ordinary moms would start shouting, “I will not support this nonsense!”
The scene would escalate as they put the Committee members in headlocks until they agreed to remove goody bags from the agenda. Just then, security would arrive to escort the ordinary moms out, citing a recent provision that banned headlocks during meetings.
What a tragedy it is, for this means the ordinary moms would miss the vote on thank-you cards. Had they been allowed to stay, they might have exclaimed, “Do you despise the planet? Or is it trees you specifically loathe? Because I can’t fathom a more idiotic use of paper than for cards that are discarded the moment they’re read, if they’re even read at all. It’s like you’re trying to destroy the Earth. ARE YOU PEOPLE CRAZY?”
By now, metal chairs would be flying, and security would be tasering moms left and right, oblivious to their committee status. The uproar caused by the ordinary mothers would leave The Committee for Imposing Social Norms on the Everyday Mother in utter disarray, leaving them too frightened to reconvene.
Hooray! Victory for the ordinary moms!
But alas, they don’t truly prevail. Unfortunately, regular moms aren’t privy to these secretive meetings where life-altering decisions are made without our consent.
But let’s unite. Individually, we may seem powerless, but collectively, we can challenge these absurd expectations that have quietly infiltrated our cherished celebrations. I hereby vow: I will never again assemble a goody bag or make my child write out 25 thank-you cards! Instead, I’ll rent an epic bounce house, whip up some delicious strawberry cupcakes (okay, it’s Betty Crocker, but they are still amazing), order ten pizzas, and entertain your child for a few hours.
When you return from your well-deserved mani-pedi, I’ll give you a genuine hug and a heartfelt “thank you” from both my kid and me. And because you’re also an ordinary mom, you’ll reply, “No, thank you!”
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In summary, the pressures of goody bags and thank-you cards can feel overwhelming, but ordinary moms can band together to challenge these unrealistic social norms and focus on what truly matters: creating memorable experiences.
Keyphrase: The Chaos of Party Favors and Gratitude Cards
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