Updated: Aug. 22, 2023
Originally Published: Feb. 21, 2023
As each school year begins, I sit down with my two boys for an important heart-to-heart about bullying. We discuss what bullies are and, crucially, that my boys should never become bullies themselves.
This conversation is especially vital because both of my kids are on the autism spectrum, which makes them susceptible to bullying. They often struggle to interpret social cues—sarcasm? Not a clue. Cruelty? They miss that too. If someone is being unkind, they may not even realize it, and that’s when intervention becomes necessary.
However, this raises a dilemma for parents: When should we step in, and when should we let our children advocate for themselves? It’s a balance that every parent must navigate as their kids grow.
A couple of years back, our eldest experienced bullying for the first time. We held meetings with school officials, and the bully was held accountable, but deep down, we knew this might not be an isolated incident. My husband and I debated how to respond. Should we report every incident to the school immediately? We want our kids to learn self-advocacy, yet we can’t always be there to shield them.
Last year, the very same kid who had bullied our oldest resurfaced with his nasty behavior. I was furious. Our sensitive son was crying himself to sleep, tormented by this one mean child. I lay awake, pondering how to teach him resilience—to ignore the bully but also to stand up for himself without becoming a bully in turn.
One night, during a discussion about this situation, our son asked how he should respond when bullied. I took a deep breath and shared my strategy for dealing with adult bullies: “When I face someone difficult, I remind myself, ‘This person is just unkind.’ Life is full of people; most are kind, but some are just not. So when that kid is nasty, tell yourself he’s just unkind.”
To my surprise, this resonated with him. But I also worried—what if he actually said that out loud at school? Thankfully, he didn’t, and this approach has worked surprisingly well. Just recently, while at a baseball game, a group of kids began to harass our youngest. Their remarks were shockingly cruel, even suggesting he would be better off dead. My oldest came to me in tears, asking for help. That was my breaking point; I intervened. No child should be told such horrific things.
After a few tears and an apology, our youngest moved on relatively quickly. I was thankful he hadn’t fully grasped the meanness of the situation due to his autism, hoping he wouldn’t remember this event later on. However, I knew my oldest understood all too well.
As we left the park, I walked next to my oldest, fighting back tears of anger. I calmly asked if he was okay after witnessing the ordeal. “I’m fine. I’m just glad my brother is okay. Those kids were just unkind,” he replied.
And in that moment, I felt I had done something right as a parent.
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In summary, teaching kids to deal with bullies involves a delicate balance of intervention and encouragement to stand up for themselves. By fostering resilience and providing strategies, we can help our children navigate these challenging situations.
Keyphrase: Teaching kids to handle bullies
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