While indulging in my annual February treat of a whole box of Girl Scout Thin Mints paired with a glass of Pinot Noir, I realized something was missing—the Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Issue. I pondered whether to create another buying guide, especially since last year I received some rather colorful feedback, including a few threats and some rather unkind comments about my appearance. But hey, a little controversy never hurt anyone, right?
So here it is—my 2015 Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Buying Guide. No need to actually purchase one; I can whip up something for you. Just give me my grandma’s old kitchen curtains and those mesh footies she used to wear. Ah, who am I kidding? I can’t sew, so you’re on your own!
Can someone help with those shoulder straps? It looks like she’s forgotten that there are two! But hey, who needs to worry about symmetry when you’re living life on the edge, right?
Here’s a swimsuit that looks like the unfortunate love child of a one-piece and a two-piece, mixed with a little chaos. Talk about high fashion!
I’ve dubbed these “Play Dough Squish” because my hips would definitely resemble little hot dogs poking out of those side straps. Don’t forget the ketchup!
For those who prefer a modest approach, we have the “flosser” style—perfect for those who like it just a little risqué without going too far.
This lady could use a beach towel and a lot less sand in her life. Sand in unfortunate places is never a good time. I suspect her nipples are either nicely exfoliated or worse, bleeding. And can we talk about that hair and sand combo on her back? It’s giving me the itch just thinking about it.
“Ah, yes, these rocks look so comfy. I think I’ll take a nap here,” said no one ever. I can just picture a floppy, post-breastfeeding boob popping out on one side and me tumbling into the water behind me, courtesy of that massive wave lurking in the background.
Are you going to get in that hammock, or are you just going to stand there? Move aside so I can lay down. And while you’re up, how about a vodka on the rocks?
All images courtesy of Victoria’s Secret, of course.
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In summary, the 2015 Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Buying Guide offers a humorous and candid commentary on swimsuit styles, showcasing the bizarre and the beautiful in a way that resonates with anyone who’s ever faced the trials of beach fashion.
Keyphrase: 2015 Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Buying Guide
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