Updated: July 29, 2017
Originally Published: Feb. 12, 2015
There are moments when the way my husband, Alex, looks at me, filled with exasperation, makes me feel like I’m losing my mind. It’s that feeling I get when he critiques my actions or points out what he perceives to be my flaws. Sometimes, it’s simply the things he says—and how he says them—that makes me want to pull my hair out. He can stress me out when all I want is for life to flow smoothly. And don’t even get me started on the way he gets so caught up in telling a story that he forgets to mention crucial details, leaving me scratching my head.
I’m sure Alex could easily compile a list of my habits that drive him up the wall. Though I could go on about it, I won’t bore you with every little thing. However, I’ll share a few because it only seems fair.
He’s not a fan of how I sometimes leave my laundry inside out. Speaking of laundry, I think he wishes I tackled it more often. He can’t stand that I don’t always rinse the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. Managing finances? He thinks I could improve there too. He wishes I was less sensitive and could let things slide more easily. And let’s not forget how he wishes I’d pretend to enjoy sports for his sake every once in a while. He also hopes I’d spend more time playing outside with the kids and that I wasn’t so exhausted from my health challenges.
Some of these frustrations we voice to each other, while others we simply accept as part of being married for nearly a decade. A few years back, the little annoyances morphed into larger grievances. Our spacious home began to feel stifling. We felt like we were in each other’s way, despite the room we had. Our resentments and frustrations seemed insurmountable, and our communication skills? Let’s just say they were lacking.
As our personal spaces felt larger, the emotional distance between us widened, making it easier to breathe when apart. Yet, as a family, we were not supposed to have that distance. The tension escalated, and the cracks began to show.
I won’t sugarcoat it—adding two spirited children to the mix of two strong-willed adults didn’t help ease our struggles. Would it have made a difference if they were perfectly well-behaved? I doubt it.
About two years ago, Alex and I seriously considered divorce. We ventured down that road, enlisting lawyers and drafting contracts filled with legal jargon. I even decided to purchase a townhouse, a sleek, contemporary space that starkly contrasted with our traditional home—a potential subconscious statement of my own.
We had intense discussions about how to break the news to the kids and how to divide our assets, all while aiming to maintain a close relationship for co-parenting. It all felt surreal, mainly because it was.
Just weeks before I was set to move into my new home, and right as we prepared to sign the divorce papers, we paused for a moment of reflection. It was our collective “holy cow, what are we doing?” moment.
That realization hit hard: neither of us truly wanted a divorce. Yes, we both yearned for change in our marriage, but we weren’t ready to walk away.
What kept echoing in my mind during that tumultuous time was this: Alex is my teammate. He’s the first person I call when I have good news, when my world crumbles, or when I simply need someone to talk to. I couldn’t just abandon my team like this.
Marriage is tough—extremely tough. Anyone who claims otherwise either hasn’t been married or is blissfully unaware. Two individuals come together with their own dreams and quirks, and suddenly, it’s all meant to mesh seamlessly. Sometimes, it doesn’t work that way. Whether it clicks from the start or takes time, a healthy marriage demands consistent communication, mutual respect, and what often feels like a mountain of compromise.
Even now, after we’ve re-committed, it can be exhausting.
Earlier, I shared some of Alex’s habits that annoy me, so it’s only fair to highlight what made me realize he’s still my person. He knows how to make me laugh. He genuinely loves his family, and mine, in a way that’s heartfelt. His loyalty to friends is commendable. I admire his passion for his interests (yes, even sports). If I’m feeling down, he lifts my spirits quickly. He’s an incredible father and, when I allow him to be, a great husband. He always compliments my hair, even when it’s a mess. Isn’t that sweet? He will always be my person.
Every day, we show up for one another, and while some days we thrive as a team, others can feel like a battle. Yet, with each passing day, I understand a little more that the person I chose for my team is precisely who I need right now, and I’m committed to being there for him too.
This post first appeared on Mamalode.
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In summary, marriage is a journey filled with ups and downs, and while it can be challenging, it’s also incredibly rewarding. Recognizing the value in your partner while navigating the little annoyances can lead to a stronger bond.
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