By: Alex Thompson
Updated: Jan. 22, 2018
Originally Published: Feb. 10, 2015
Let me just be honest; I’m relieved I’m not a woman. From my perspective, being a woman seems like a tough gig.
Now, wait a second! Before you grab your protest signs and dial up a feminist icon, allow me to explain.
I genuinely admire women. To clarify, I adore one woman in particular—my wife. And I think the rest of you are pretty great too. But let’s be real, I wouldn’t want to swap places. Women face a myriad of challenges, from persistent societal misogyny to wage gaps of about 25% compared to men. Not to mention the unrealistic beauty standards set by magazines and the fashion industry.
Now that I’ve hopefully calmed the crowd, let’s get to the heart of the matter—the vagina. Yes, that magical place located a bit below the belly button (give or take, I’m not exactly a mathematician). It’s the passage we all spend nine months trying to exit, and for many men, it’s the destination we spend our lives trying to return to.
Vaginas are indeed beautiful. Just think about it: when a woman removes her pants, it’s like entering a mystical realm. You almost expect an orchestra to play and cherubic angels to flutter in, welcoming you to this enchanting land. That can’t be said for the male anatomy, which looks more like a trio of inebriated friends tumbling out of a cab after a wild night.
But with that beauty comes complexity. While the male anatomy requires minimal upkeep, the vagina demands extensive maintenance—enough to make my head spin.
It’s high time for my fellow men to recognize just how easy we have it. Taking care of the lady garden is serious work, and men should understand the lengths women go to keep their intimate areas looking pristine.
In search of expert advice, I turned to the vagina authority in my house—my wife. Here’s how that conversation went down:
Me: “Hey love, can I ask you about vaginas and upkeep for my blog?”
Wife: “Absolutely not! I deal with that every day. You think I want to talk about it so you can get laughs? Good luck with that.”
So much for that plan! In the name of research (and a desperate need for content), I dove into the topic myself. The findings? Not exactly pretty. Here’s a peek into the world of vaginal maintenance, as understood by a guy.
Menstruation: The Monthly Visitor
Men, we often lack the empathy needed to understand this monthly occurrence. We’re all guilty at some point of thinking, “Oh, she must be on her period” whenever a woman seems irritable. Even when we hear about the physical pain women endure, we often brush it aside.
Let’s pause here. I can already hear the flood of emails from guys claiming they’re sympathetic and can feel the pain. Sorry, but I’m calling BULLSHIT!
Cramps: Not Just a Walk in the Park
Remember when you were a kid and got hurt in a game, and your coach said to walk it off? Yeah, it’s nothing like that—it’s much worse. Having dated a couple of women before my wife, I’ve witnessed a range of menstrual cramps, and they vary immensely. They can go from mild annoyance to, “I swear I need a baseball bat to the head,” and I doubt a little tough love would help in this case.
Tampons vs. Pads: The Dreaded Dilemma
Women have options for managing their monthly flow, with tampons and pads being the most common. Imagine if your only choices for dealing with an ever-leaking appendage were to insert a plastic stick into your body or stuff your underwear with something that feels like a gym sock. Plus, since periods can sneak up like little ninjas, women often find themselves carrying a mini pharmacy of supplies in their bags.
But what about the menstrual cup? This is a whole different ballgame. It’s a cup that goes up there—not to be confused with a protective cup for men. You insert it, and then you remove it when necessary. Just thinking about it makes me cringe a little.
Douching: A Confusing Concept
Do I really need to explain this? The vagina is essentially a self-cleaning marvel, but sometimes it needs a good power wash. However, I’m still baffled by the idea of Summer’s Eve as the desired scent. Why not offer a selection of flavors? Imagine the attention your partner would give you if your lady bits smelled like bacon.
Vaginal Beautification: The Pressure to Maintain
Ladies, I want to acknowledge the effort you put into keeping things fresh and appealing. But honestly, it seems excessive. You might think, “I do this for my partner,” but here’s a secret: it doesn’t matter that much. Men are interested in you regardless of how things look down there. Even in the 70s, when natural was the norm, men were still lining up for a chance.
Steam Cleaning the Vagina: A New Low?
Recently, some celebrity recommended steam cleaning for the vagina. Seriously? I can’t even take this seriously. What will they think of next? Ironing? It’s hard to take advice from someone who named their child after a fruit and runs a site called GOOP, which sounds like a malfunctioning body part.
In conclusion, if you’ve made it this far (bless you), you might wonder why I’m rambling about vaginas and their upkeep. The truth is, I lost a bet to a fellow blogger, and this was my punishment. So, thanks to my friend Mia from The Malleable Mom. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I disliked writing it.
For more information on pregnancy and insemination, check out this excellent resource from the NIH: Pregnancy Health Topics. If you’re curious about at-home insemination options, consider exploring the At-Home Insemination Kit offered by Make a Mom, an authority on the topic.
Summary:
This article humorously explores the complexities of maintaining the female anatomy, specifically the vagina, and highlights the challenges women face monthly. The author reflects on misconceptions men have about menstruation, pain, and the lengths women go to for upkeep. Ultimately, it serves as a lighthearted reminder of the often-overlooked struggles of women.
Keyphrase: Vaginal Maintenance
Tags: [“home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”]