After a long day, I finally have my kids fed, bathed, and snugly tucked into bed. My makeup is on—though slightly smudged due to my lack of practice—and I’m dressed in my best clothes that miraculously lack stains. My partner is at the door, and I’m about to give my final instructions to the babysitter. Little do they know, there’s a significant gap between what I say and what I really mean. For instance:
What I Say: Feel free to grab a snack from the kitchen.
What I Mean: Go ahead and munch on any fresh veggies you want, because my kids won’t touch them. Pasta is also a safe bet; I stock up on it because it’s the only thing my daughter consistently eats. But steer clear of the graham crackers—who knows how long they’ve been here? My son decided they were “yucky” after just two days. And whatever you do, don’t even think about touching the chocolate hidden behind the canned corn. I keep track of that stash, and trust me, you’ll regret it if you even glance in that direction.
What I Say: You can invite a friend over.
What I Mean: Sure, invite a friend—preferably someone who enjoys cleaning. Do you know any cleaning wizards? Perhaps a friend who delights in scrubbing yogurt off the walls or lifting furniture while you vacuum beneath it? You could earn yourself a bonus if you manage to identify the mysterious odor coming from the toy box.
What I Say: She should be asleep during your shift.
What I Mean: “Should” is the key word here. In theory, my two-year-old should sleep soundly through the night, but expect to hear, “Me awake! Me play!” every ten minutes. I’ll apologize now for the impending chorus of “I’m not sleepy!” that you’ll need to endure while trying to convince her otherwise.
What I Say: Enjoy whatever you want on Netflix.
What I Mean: Feel free to watch anything, but try not to judge me based on what’s under “Recently Watched.” I spend my days aiding characters like Dora and Elmo, while secretly wishing for the destruction of Caillou. Once the kids are asleep, I crave the most adult, non-kid-friendly shows I can find. If you see anything a little violent, rest assured it’s just my form of therapy after a day in a world of bright colors and endless questions.
What I Say: We won’t be out too late.
What I Mean: It’s been ages since we had a night out, and we’re ready to make the most of it! After dinner, a movie, and dessert, we might even find ourselves lounging on the hood of the car in a parking lot. We may have spontaneously packed an overnight bag, just in case we get carried away and decide to stay out longer. By the way, do you offer a weekly rate?
What I Say: Call me if you have any questions.
What I Mean: The only question you should ask is how to reattach my son’s arm if something goes awry. If he’s still breathing and there’s no blood, I don’t need to know about it. Don’t call me asking about ice cream or the seventh cup of water my daughter requests. You’re in charge now—Mama is out for the night!
In case you’re navigating your own journey into parenthood, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination: WebMD’s guide. And for those considering home insemination, visit Make A Mom for some great information and Make A Mom’s authority on the topic.
Summary
Navigating babysitter instructions can be humorous, revealing the hidden meanings behind our words. From snack choices to bedtime expectations, this playful exploration highlights the realities of hiring help while maintaining a sense of humor about parenting.
Keyphrase: babysitter instructions
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