Updated: August 19, 2015
Originally Published: November 23, 2014
As our knowledge of ADHD has evolved thanks to advancements in neuroscience, it’s become clear that individuals with the condition—like my friend Sam—aren’t simply “lazy.” Brain imaging indicates that certain regions of their brains are underdeveloped, particularly those linked to executive functions—such as planning, prioritizing, focus, and emotional regulation. For someone grappling with ADHD, managing everyday tasks can be significantly more challenging than it is for others. Their outward behavior may resemble laziness, but internally, they are often putting forth immense effort.
Understanding Others
We all recognize that people vary in countless ways. Some individuals are more prone to stress or anxiety, while others have distinct preferences for music or activities. I enjoy things like jogging in the rain, yet I’m aware that not everyone shares this enthusiasm. However, grasping the idea that another person’s internal experiences could be worlds apart from your own is a different matter.
Recall a moment when a friend confided in you about feeling sad or overwhelmed. If you felt a semblance of understanding, it was likely because you related it to your own experiences. Now, envision your friend approaching you with the statement, “I’m feeling really blorky today.” You might respond, “Uh, what does blorky mean?” To which they explain it’s a term they invented to describe their current emotion. This scenario leaves you at a loss; without a shared reference point, you struggle to empathize.
The Psychology Behind Empathy
Why do we find it challenging to grasp experiences we haven’t had? Insights from psychology and neuroscience on empathy suggest we often understand others by “simulating” their emotions—imagining how we would feel in their shoes. Our brains are adept at this simulation, often without our conscious awareness.
While this ability to simulate emotions serves us well most of the time, it can lead to misunderstandings. We often overestimate how similar others are to ourselves, missing the nuances of their unique experiences.
Are Our Experiences So Different?
Research indicates that people’s experiences can differ significantly in ways we might not anticipate. For instance:
- Mental Imagery: Some individuals vividly visualize scenarios, while others cannot form mental images at all. Surveys from the late 1800s revealed this disparity, highlighting a debate about whether “visual imagination” was a genuine phenomenon.
- Color Perception: Some people can be color-blind for years without realizing it, leading to a completely distinct perception of colors compared to others.
- Sense of Smell: It’s possible to lack a sense of smell entirely without knowing it. A fascinating account on Quora mentions someone who behaved as if they could smell, unaware that their experience was different.
- Sexual Attraction: While many of us can’t fathom life without sexual desire, surveys indicate that approximately 1% of people identify as asexual, feeling no sexual attraction at all.
The Dangers of Misunderstanding
The ability to empathize by projecting ourselves into others’ situations is a valuable skill, yet problems arise when we mistakenly believe we understand someone else’s feelings. In the case of ADHD, when an individual struggles to complete tasks, we might assume they are experiencing a lack of motivation akin to what we feel on an off day. This can lead to judgments of laziness, completely overlooking the fact that their challenges are far more complex.
This misjudgment can extend to mental health issues. For example, I’ve fortunately never faced severe depression, and for a long time, I equated it with merely being sad for an extended period. However, after reading a compelling blog post that described depression as the inability to feel anything, I realized my understanding was superficial. This revelation deepened my comprehension of the condition.
Such misunderstandings can also affect our daily interactions. For instance, when Alex inadvertently offends Jamie, she might be baffled, assuming he is overreacting. If Jamie feels that Alex isn’t opening up about his feelings, she might conclude that his hesitance indicates a lack of interest, leading her to end the relationship. In truth, Alex may simply find it challenging to express himself.
Enhancing Our Connections
Former U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld made a distinction between “known unknowns”—things we recognize as unknown—and “unknown unknowns”—things we don’t even realize we don’t know. When it comes to understanding others, we often encounter a lot of unknown unknowns since it’s nearly impossible to conceive of an experience we’ve never encountered. However, we can transform these unknowns into known unknowns by reminding ourselves that others may have vastly different experiences and motivations.
So, the next time you catch yourself making assumptions about someone else’s feelings or engaging in a disagreement, pause and consider: Could they be experiencing something entirely different from me? Or better yet, why not ask them?
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Summary
Understanding others is a complex endeavor that can lead to misjudgments. By recognizing that people’s experiences can be fundamentally different from our own, we can foster empathy and improve our relationships. Taking the time to ask and understand rather than assume can lead to richer interactions and greater compassion.
Keyphrase: Understanding Others
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