“Babe, I think there’s an issue with my perineum!” I shout to my partner, Jake.
“Your what?” he replies, clearly perplexed.
“My perineum! You know, the area that’s neither the vagina nor the backside. It’s that little patch in between. I’ve got this weird bump that stings like crazy, but I can’t see it, so I’m at a loss here.”
“Could it be a hemorrhoid?” he suggests cautiously. “Have you been straining?”
“Could be! This pregnancy has definitely changed how things operate down there. Do you think you’d recognize a hemorrhoid if you saw one?”
“Maybe, but I’m not sure I want that sight to be associated with you,” he chuckles.
I can understand his reluctance to examine my taint issues, but this is the same guy who rushes to hold my hair back during my morning sickness episodes. I’m always trying to yell “get back!” but he’s too busy riding that wave of nausea with me. It’s sweet yet utterly revolting.
After declining my offer to take on the role of an amateur proctologist, Jake hands me a tube of Preparation H and steps back. The relief is almost immediate, confirming his diagnosis. Thank goodness, because I’d rather not bring this up at my next doctor’s appointment.
Reflecting on our first encounter five years ago in a dimly lit bar, I never imagined I’d be asking him to check on my pregnancy-related hemorrhoids. The mystery of allure faded fast once I started leaving the bathroom door wide open; if I didn’t, we’d never finish a single conversation. That’s how frequent my potty breaks have become during this pregnancy.
And let’s not even discuss the sneezing. I’m allergic to dust—and cleaning—so I’m constantly sneezing and, well, let’s just say my husband has a new kind of indoor pet.
Then there’s the gas. Honestly, if I could harness it, I could fuel a small boat. I could burp the alphabet backward! If you popped my belly with a pin (please don’t), I’d float around the room like a cartoon balloon.
The miracles of life can be pretty nasty at times. However, nothing can compare to the sheer terror of the delivery room, when the panic sets in: “Stay up by my head or you’ll never recover from what you see!” The potential for pooping during labor, crowning, and episiotomies are sights that are impossible to unsee. I think there should be an emotional epidural for partners, something to promote amnesia after the ordeal. Perhaps it already exists because otherwise, no one would ever want to have a second child. Thank goodness for medical advancements!
For those navigating this journey, check out some insights and tips on fertility treatment at March of Dimes. And if you’re interested in boosting your fertility, consider exploring fertility supplements or fertility boosters for men.
In summary, while the journey of pregnancy comes with its fair share of challenges and awkward moments, it’s all part of the miraculous process of bringing new life into the world.
Keyphrase: The Wonders of Life Come with Some Surprises
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