(This is PART TWO of a two-part series on understanding the warning signs of love.)
We can all recognize a warning sign, but deciphering its significance can be trickier. As someone currently navigating the dating scene, filled with daily disasters in NYC, I’ve conducted the research for you. My ability to pinpoint these warning signs has become so refined that I can spot the flares after a mere glance at profiles on dating apps. Some are glaringly obvious (“I work hard and play hard”), while others reveal themselves only when you meet the real-life version of the profile pic, and discover that the mop-haired, baby-faced individual is actually a hairless future cadaver. Here are some additional red flags, along with their not-so-obvious meanings.
The Perfectionist Critic
Meet the perfectionist critic—someone who scrutinizes everything to the point of annoyance. No restaurant meets her standards, no movie or book is as good as she could create. This means that nothing you do—whether it’s writing a book or crafting an iMovie for your brother’s 40th—will ever impress her. She’ll only focus on shortcomings, trying to undermine what threatens her sense of superiority. This individual is passive, and there are few things less appealing than someone who lacks the courage to stand up for herself, you, or your relationship. Choosing someone who defaults to doing nothing means you’ll be living a life that feels like it’s just for you.
The Eternal Student
He’s stuck in perpetual adolescence. Hanging out with friends who use “party” as a verb, his bills only get paid when collection agencies intervene. He can’t even manage a pet due to his forgetfulness, and his future baby names include Gonorrhea and Syphilis. He craves fun and feels betrayed when friends start settling down with conventional names like Plum and Dashiell. His apartment? A chaotic mess that he sees as just a large suitcase rather than a home. This glaring red flag signals that he’s not ready to grow up and fears the responsibility that comes with it. While the initial thrill is enticing, his immaturity will soon wear on you, making you feel like you’re dating your youngest brother’s youngest buddy.
The Overly Positive Thinker
She claims to live life “on the bright side,” signing her emails with “love and light.” When you’re feeling low, she’ll bombard you with gratitude lists instead of truly listening. Instead of confronting her own emotions, she merely adopts uplifting phrases that mask her feelings. This denial prevents her from genuinely understanding her identity and often leads to a superficial outlook on life. Life is about authentically experiencing emotions, and if someone only focuses on the positive without acknowledging the negative, then what she calls positivity is merely a facade. The overly positive thinker doesn’t know who she is, which makes her reliance on catchphrases like “living in light” feel naïve and somewhat unsettling.
The Interviewer
You’ll know you’re with an interviewer when it feels like a Q&A session instead of a genuine date. He isn’t interested in getting to know you; he simply wants to extract information. He’ll ask where you went to college, the length of your last serious relationship, and even your thoughts on marriage. This individual has an agenda—he’s assessing you, and while he’ll measure you against his rigid expectations, there’s no room for improvement. You’ll either fit into his preconceived notions, or you won’t. He’s less interested in your story and more in how you can fit into his narrative.
The Mixed Messages
The person who speaks out of both sides of her mouth is a mixed-message giver. She says one thing but does another—this is known as incongruence. Many times, these individuals are people pleasers, saying what they think you want to hear instead of offering their true selves. It takes a while to recognize a mixed-message individual, as you need to observe their behavior over time. This is why it’s essential to let relationships develop gradually; you need to truly know someone before falling in love. Focus on her actions, and you’ll see the real person. Pay too much attention to her words, and you might fall for a facade.
Final Thoughts
The most crucial warning sign is the one that arises within you. If your feelings toward someone are heightened, subdued, or just plain off, pay attention. Your own reactions can be very telling. Are you drinking too much or acting in ways that feel out of character? If you’re striving hard to gain someone’s attention, that’s a signal that you’re not receiving the right type of affection. Getting to know someone starts with being aware of how you feel in their presence. Notice the tension in your body, the waves of doubt, the unsettling feeling of hearing something you wish you hadn’t. Your body is your intuition—trust it. Only you can mislead yourself by ignoring the warning signs your body is signaling.
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