This morning, I completely lost it. I found myself whisper-yelling, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE IN THIS HOUSE?!” It wasn’t my intention to erupt, but the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks right after my outburst. The most frustrating part? My once-peaceful oasis was shattered.
Let’s rewind by 15 minutes.
The kids were racing around the living room, the smell of charred toast lingered in the air, and the coffee maker just let out a triumphant ding! My partner and I were bumping into each other in the kitchen, both desperately trying to grab half-and-half and coffee cups without causing a collision.
Before the chaos could escalate, I firmly declared my imminent trip to the bathroom. I unleashed my “Mom Voice” combined with the classic “I-Just-Woke-Up-Don’t-Mess-With-Me” glare to make it clear: I was not to be disturbed. Then, I swiftly made my escape to the other end of the house.
I closed the bathroom door behind me, took a long sip of my hot coffee, and let out a blissful sigh of solitude. At that moment, I was in a magical realm known as The Bathroom, where civilized individuals respect boundaries.
But this isn’t exactly a civilized household.
As I struggled to peel off my yoga pants and sweaty T-shirt, I began rifling through the linen cupboard for my favorite towel. Like a true mom, I was gulping down my coffee like it was the holy grail because, let’s be honest, nothing beats coffee consumed while it’s still warm.
Just two minutes into my blissful retreat, chaos ensued. Tiny fingers began to poke under the door in sheer panic, accompanied by a barrage of questions. I tried to stifle my laughter as I thought, Maybe if I stay quiet, they’ll forget I’m here?
“Mommy? Are you peeing? … Are you poooooping?!” (Cue laughter)
“Mom? MOM?! … MOOOOMMMMMM! What are you doing in there?!”
I wanted to shout back that I was hiding from the lot of them, seeking a moment of peace and quiet in the midst of morning madness. It dawned on me that my innocent family likely thought some wild escapade was happening behind that closed door. Here’s what they might be imagining:
- I’m being abducted.
- My secret decoder ring is giving me urgent commands.
- A dinosaur is munching on me.
- I’m devouring all the world’s chocolate—without sharing.
- I slipped into the toilet.
- My back gave out, and I’m stuck on the floor.
- I forgot where I am.
- I’m planning the most heinous timeouts ever.
- I’m hiding the TV remote.
- I’m making my escape.
- Santa and the Tooth Fairy are demanding updates.
- I’m on a phone call and, therefore, must be interrupted.
- I’m contacting the Mother Ship.
- My feet are transforming into flippers for a swim.
- I’m checking their toothbrushes to confirm they actually brushed.
- I’m scheming vengeance on everyone in this house.
- I’m flushing race cars down the toilet.
- The shower has morphed into a giant squirt gun.
- An octopus is teaching me French.
- I’m hiding all the things.
So there I was, reading a book, sipping coffee, and taking care of business while daydreaming about washing my hair with fragrant shampoo. Then, without warning, the door swung open.
In walked my husband, jovially exclaiming, “Hey, Honey, have you seen my…?” and I barely caught the rest before two small children burst through the door.
One wanted a hug and to tug on my hair, while the other clamored with 10,000 questions about why I was sitting down to pee, why I had coffee in the bathroom, and why my hair was tied back—did I know it made me look like a bear?
That moment hit me hard: I realized I would likely never have another bathroom break alone again. I waved my white flag and accepted the universal truth that moms simply don’t get privacy when it comes to their bathroom time.
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In summary, motherhood is a chaotic yet beautiful journey filled with moments of both frustration and joy. From the never-ending questions to the lack of alone time, the experience is uniquely challenging—and incredibly rewarding.
Keyphrase: The Reality of Motherhood
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