During my college years, I faced a traumatic event that led me to seek comfort in food. It wasn’t long before I found myself grappling with a serious eating disorder. My mother unearthed my hidden struggle when I returned home for the summer, and upon my return to campus that fall, I began a series of intensive counseling sessions with a specialist in eating disorders. Dr. Miller, a no-nonsense, ex-military counselor with a kind heart, guided me through my darkest moments. Just as I began to regain control of my life, he dropped a bombshell that filled me with dread: “It’s time for your family to be involved.”
I can’t recall how I arrived at Dr. Miller’s office or even walked through the door, but the moment is vivid in my mind. My family’s expressions remain forever etched in my memory: My mom appeared anxious and pale, my dad was stoic and silent, and my brother looked bewildered and frightened. As our session began, Dr. Miller asked me to illustrate my relationships with each family member by drawing lines: one line indicated a weak bond, while two lines represented a strong connection.
Without hesitation, I drew two lines between my name and my mom’s—there was no doubt in my mind about our relationship. The bond with my brother was similarly straightforward. As kids, we bickered like rivals, yet once we both reached high school, we transformed into the best of friends. Again, I confidently marked two lines.
However, when it came to the line connecting me to my dad, I hesitated. Tears welled up in my eyes as I drew just one shaky line and averted my gaze. My father looked at me expectantly. “Why only one line?” Dr. Miller prompted. The silence filled the room, amplifying the tension. “Because I don’t feel good enough for him,” I blurted out. Instantly, I regretted those words, wishing I could take them back.
In that moment, I failed to recognize the truth: my father was always there, silently supporting our family and loving my brother and me more than he loved himself. I was incapable of seeing his unwavering love through the fog of my own confusion.
After that session, my dad’s task was to write me a letter expressing his feelings. Days later, I received a small stack of hotel notepaper from their recent visit. Thinking about the effort it must have taken for my dad—a man who rarely spoke—to write that note fills me with gratitude. It conveyed everything I had longed to hear, including his promise to work harder at expressing his love.
One day, he wrote, we could draw the second line together.
I still keep that note safely tucked away in my closet. Even though my dad wasn’t at fault, he carried the weight of our relationship without complaint, continuing to support me quietly and lovingly.
Years later, when I faced the collapse of my marriage, it was my dad who helped me navigate financial challenges, ensuring I wouldn’t have to file for bankruptcy. He even offered to drive from Atlanta to bring me home. Through my experiences with him, I learned to recognize love’s many forms, preparing me to embrace it fully when I met my second husband.
The issue wasn’t that my dad withheld his feelings; it was that I expected verbal affirmations to make me feel loved. In reality, it was his consistent actions that conveyed his affection.
This is a lesson I will pass on to my son:
- Love is someone who replaces your soap when it’s too small to use.
- Love is someone who fills your gas tank so you don’t have to.
- Love is someone who celebrates your successes rather than tears you down.
- Love is someone who stands by your side and fights for you.
- Love is someone who says, “I believe in you. We can do this together.”
- Love means that the words “I love you” are just the beginning.
I may have been a slow learner, but I finally grasped that my dad’s genuine, steadfast, and quiet love transcends any number of “I love you”s.
Dad, I hope you realize that I drew the second line a long time ago.
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Summary:
This article reflects on a person’s journey through trauma, familial relationships, and the complex nature of love. It highlights the importance of recognizing love beyond words and emphasizes the lessons learned from a father’s quiet support.
Keyphrase: Understanding Love Through Family
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