I’m not entirely sure when it occurred, but somewhere between the birth of my first child and the present, I morphed into a rather repulsive version of myself. The transition was so smooth that it wasn’t until a child-free friend stared at me, clearly horrified, that I realized just how much I’ve changed. Here’s a rundown of the top ten gross changes I’ve experienced since becoming a parent:
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Chocolate or Something Else?
Before kids: A brown smear could only mean chocolate, and I’d happily lick it off without a second thought.
After kids: That same brown stain might be something far less appetizing. My first instinct? A quick sniff to identify the mystery substance. No matter what it is, I’m unlikely to stop what I’m doing to clean it up. It can wait. -
Booger Management
Before kids: Boogers were revolting. I’d use multiple tissues for my own nose, let alone someone else’s. The thought of someone digging for gold in their nostrils would send me running for the restroom.
After kids: If there’s a tissue handy, great. If not, my hand will suffice. Picking boogers out of my baby’s nose has become routine, and I’ve long accepted that any black shirt I wear will inevitably have those telltale translucent smudges. -
Vomit Catching
Before kids: If anyone looked like they might vomit, I’d swiftly remove myself from the vicinity.
After kids: The moment my little ones start retching, I instinctively extend my hands to catch the vomit. Why? It’s easier to deal with warm, chunky mess in my hands than to scrub it from my freshly cleaned carpets—trust me, that smell doesn’t come out easily. -
Saliva as a Cleaning Agent
Before kids: My sister once tortured me with her saliva antics, and I vowed never to replicate that behavior.
After kids: I now use my spit to wipe my kids’ faces without a second thought. Sure, it’s technically for their hygiene, not torment, but it’s a slippery slope! -
Nail Maintenance
Before kids: Long nails meant it was time to trim them. Simple.
After kids: Kids’ nails grow at lightning speed! Keeping track of the tiny clippers is a daunting task. Before long, I find myself on the couch nibbling away at the nails of my four-week-old baby—gross, I know! -
Sleeping in Urine
Before kids: The only times I’d unknowingly slept in urine were during wild college nights.
After kids: One fateful night, I woke up to a warm stream trickling down my back, courtesy of my bed-wetting child. When they apologetically murmur “Sorry, Mommy,” guilt washes over me for my shrieked response. You end up choosing between changing the sheets or covering it with a towel and trying to catch some more sleep. -
Bathtime Shenanigans
Before kids: A little pee or poop in my tub would have sent me straight to the cleaning supplies.
After kids: As the tub fills, I might see a yellow halo forming around my child, but I choose to look the other way. A little tinkle in the water is no big deal, right? Besides, there’s a line forming for the tub! -
The Ice Cream Cone Dilemma
Before kids: Watching my mother lick my ice cream cone was torture. I never understood why she did it.
After kids: Now, if I don’t lick it into shape, it’s melting everywhere before my kid can even take a bite. I’m just helping him eat it without creating a chocolate disaster. -
Leftovers from the Highchair
Before kids: There was no way I’d eat food partially chewed by someone else.
After kids: If my child isn’t eating it and I’m starving, down it goes! Waste not, want not, right? -
Diaper Smelling
Before kids: I can confidently say I never took a whiff of anyone’s bathroom aftermath.
After kids: Now, I find myself compelled to sniff a poopy diaper for confirmation, despite the obvious bulge in their pants.
The lengths we go to for our children are undeniably gross. My only hope is that one day my kids will experience their own transformation into equally repulsive humans—ah, the circle of life!
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In summary, parenthood is filled with unexpected and often gross changes, from the way we handle bodily functions to our newfound willingness to embrace the yucky stuff. If you’re diving into this journey, just know you’re not alone in this messy adventure.
Keyphrase: Parenthood and its gross changes
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