Updated: Aug. 22, 2023
Originally Published: May 1, 2014
Today, I made a wish. I wanted just one day where I could truly perceive myself as others do.
My partner, Jake, often tells me I’m a fantastic wife and mother, yet all I see is a home that’s in disarray. My friends, like Sarah, describe me as nurturing and empathetic, but I can’t shake the feeling that I should be doing more. My kids, Lucas and Mia, think I’m entertaining, but I can’t help but notice how they rush to their dad when he walks through the door.
Perfection is a distant dream for me. I am far from it, and it frustrates me beyond measure. I can’t stand looking disheveled every day; my appearance is a chaotic mix of “I just rolled out of bed.” My makeup routine has vanished, and I’m stuck in the same old jeans that have seen better days, the fabric sagging and a constant reminder of my lack of fitness. My bag is stuffed with unnecessary junk, my calendar is a jumbled mess of forgotten appointments, and I’m juggling a million tasks at once, accomplishing nothing significant. And my hair? Let’s not even go there. It’s dyed every shade of wild just to give the illusion of having a style. On top of it all, I’m battling lupus, a chronic illness that adds to the chaos.
I’m a walking disaster, and it weighs heavily on me. I’ve reached a point where I don’t bother pretending to have it all together. I’ve stopped trying to dress nicely or wear makeup. I even joke about my shortcomings with friends, saying things like, “Of course, I don’t have it together!” or “I’m just grateful my kids are fed and we’re only a little late today.” It feels like my life is a never-ending loop of embarrassing moments, like tripping over a crack in the sidewalk and then dramatically acting like I meant to jog.
This ongoing struggle is bruising my self-esteem. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we zero in on our flaws while overlooking our strengths? Why are we constantly striving for more, unable to embrace our imperfections as part of what makes us unique?
I’ve been like this since childhood—always wanting to be the best. I yearn to excel, to be attractive, to be intelligent, to be healthy. Instead, I find myself feeling defeated by every minor imperfection. I’m hyper-aware of every bump and imperfection on my body and constantly focus on my shortcomings. I feel trapped by my limitations and resent myself for it.
Despite my self-doubt, I hear people say, “You’re amazing!” “You’re brilliant!” “You’re lovely.” Yet, I struggle to accept their compliments as truth.
So today, I wish to truly see what they see. I want to glance at my reflection and think, “You are beautiful.” I want to engage in conversations and feel intelligent. I want to contribute in a way that alleviates others’ suffering. I long for a day when, after a chaotic time with the kids, I don’t end up in bed thinking, “Tomorrow I’ll do better.” I crave the moment when Jake says, “You’re stunning,” and I don’t dismiss it as flattery. I want to believe Lucas and Mia when they proclaim, “You’re the best mom ever!” after I whip up a simple grilled cheese, without letting my mind drift to my parenting failures.
For one day, I want to see myself as they do—imperfectly perfect, wonderfully just as I am. Perhaps tomorrow will be that day.
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Summary:
This heartfelt piece reflects on the author’s struggles with self-image and perfectionism, contrasting her self-perception with how loved ones view her. The desire to embrace one’s flaws and recognize personal worth becomes a central theme, culminating in a wish to see oneself through the eyes of family and friends, as imperfectly perfect.
Keyphrase: self-image struggles
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