When your toddler’s antics at the dinner table make you long for a life of cereal-only meals, remember that their behavior reflects a unique set of toddler rules rather than a lack of manners. Here’s a useful guide to understanding their dining etiquette:
- Arrive in Style – Make a statement by arriving at the table missing at least one clothing item, preferably pants. If it’s a fancy dinner, adorn yourself with extra stickers.
- Bring a Plus-One – Always have a beloved toy at the table. If you feel neglected, consider holding your toy hostage until you’re allowed to bring another friend to dinner.
- Practice Patience – Wait for everyone to claim their seat before you decide to relocate to someone’s lap.
- Sit Up Straight – You’ll know you’re sitting correctly when you’re standing in your chair.
- Order Early and Often – The food ordering process should be continuous, starting long before mealtime and extending until you’re tucked in for the night.
- Napkin Ninja – Napkins are best utilized as projectiles. Crumple yours up and toss it to the floor, or let it gracefully float down if it’s a special occasion.
- Bathroom Breaks – Just as everyone begins to eat, announce your urgent need for the bathroom.
- Table Crawling – Instead of reaching across the table, opt for a full crawl over it.
- Utensil Mastery – Hold your spoon, fork, or spork like a drumstick and bang it on the table to show your rhythmic talents.
- Food Compliments – Declare that everyone else’s food looks better than yours, and request a taste, escalating to demanding it if necessary.
- Table Negotiations – If you eat well and listen attentively, negotiate for dessert while also securing extra playtime and a late bedtime.
- Face Cleanliness – Use your arm to wipe your face. It’s perfectly fine to let your nose run free.
- One Bite Wonder – Attempt to consume your meal in one bite. If it doesn’t sit well, let someone catch it before it hits the floor, or spit it out anywhere you please.
- Mouth Open Dining – Eat with your mouth wide open; it’s the best way to showcase your meal.
- Utensil Loss – Lose a utensil beneath the table or across the room for added excitement.
- Speed Eating – Devour your food at a breakneck pace or not at all.
- Elevated Eating – Present your fork or spoon to your mouth instead of leaning down, maximizing your chances of making a mess.
- Food Gesturing – Use your utensils to gesture wildly, ensuring food flies off and reduces your required portion.
- Course Returns – Always send at least one course back into the wild. Launch your food away for maximum effect.
- Request More – A seven-course meal is merely an appetizer. You should only need one nibble from each dish.
- DIY Buttering – Reject offers for buttering your bread; instead, slather everything in ketchup.
- Spill for Your Friends – At least half of your drink should end up on the floor to delight any nearby pets or imaginary friends.
- Food Preservation – Ask for your uneaten food to be saved, but never actually eat it later.
- Avoid Adult Interaction – When you leave the table, find a cozy spot beneath it to avoid adult supervision.
- Chef Appreciation – Insist that the chef (most likely Mommy or Daddy) is the only one qualified to hold you, and make them do so indefinitely.
Following these toddler rules may give you hope that one day they will embrace more conventional dining manners. Until then, indulge in some candy while they sleep, as a small act of sweet revenge.
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Summary: This light-hearted guide details the humorous yet relatable rules of toddler etiquette at the dinner table, offering insight into the chaotic yet endearing nature of dining with little ones.
Keyphrase: toddler dining etiquette
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