My daughter, Mia, is navigating the turbulent waters of 7th grade at a small private school. She’s known most of her classmates since kindergarten and a few since preschool. While outright bullying is rare, the subtle teasing that occurs is a different story, especially among the girls.
At the start of the school year, I began to hear Mia recount the snide remarks circulating in her class, particularly those directed at her and her friends. The comments often go like this:
- “Why did you choose those leggings?”
- “What’s up with your hair? Just, no.”
- “What is that smell? Don’t you use deodorant? Gross.”
These remarks are delivered with a mocking tone, right in the presence of others—whether in class before the bell rings, in hallways during transitions, or in small clusters at lunchtime. It’s already tough enough to face public scrutiny over personal choices and hygiene, but what pains me most is that Mia often considers some of these critics to be her friends. This raises a crucial question: do our daughters truly understand the essence of friendship?
I often reflect on the days when Mia was younger, and I facilitated her playdates. When disputes arose over toys, I guided the girls to take turns. If someone said something hurtful, we discussed feelings and how to express thoughts more kindly. We practiced sharing, all while enjoying two hours of laughter over a bowl of Goldfish. It was simple and effective.
Now, however, Mia and her friends don’t have those structured playdates. Instead, they hang out at coffee shops or retreat to her bedroom, whispering and giggling for hours. Their lives are shared through Instagram, Snapchat, and a flurry of texts filled with acronyms and emojis. As a parent, I find myself mostly on the sidelines—available if needed, but seldom called upon. The chances to guide her through real-time relationship dynamics are few, yet this is precisely when she might need support the most.
Middle school is a whirlwind of changes and pressures for our daughters: from physical transformations to emotional challenges, crushes, social events, and the constant noise of digital connectivity. This influx of new experiences can be overwhelming.
At home, Mia receives love, support, and structure, but as she begins to carve out her identity, she increasingly seeks validation from her peers. When I hear about the unkindness permeating her class, it prompts me to reconsider my role in her social life—even if it feels awkward or unwanted.
Teaching our daughters to avoid bullying and to intervene when they witness unkindness is crucial, but our responsibilities extend beyond that. We must instill the importance of uplifting one another daily. A true friend offers encouragement rather than succumbing to jealousy. She celebrates your successes instead of belittling your choices. When something embarrassing needs to be addressed, she does so privately rather than calling you out for all to hear.
In a healthy friendship, competition should inspire rather than tear down. Friends should bolster each other’s confidence, embrace differences, and champion creativity. Our girls should always choose compassion over judgment, and they shouldn’t settle for anything less.
While some of this behavior may be typical for their age, it doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. I’m sure Mia has also spoken thoughtlessly to others at times. I don’t expect her to get along with everyone, but I emphasize that kindness is non-negotiable. If she can’t be kind, then she should at least remain silent. I want her to learn how to be a good friend, recognize true friendship when it exists, and distance herself from those who undermine her self-esteem.
Girls don’t need to drag each other down; the world offers plenty of that already. Instead, I aim to inspire Mia and her friends to be each other’s greatest supporters, to embrace the beauty of friendship, and to lead with compassion.
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Summary
This article discusses the complexities of friendship among middle school girls, emphasizing the importance of kindness and support. It reflects on the challenges of navigating social dynamics in a digital age and highlights the need for parental involvement in teaching compassion and true friendship.
Keyphrase: teaching girls about friendship
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