Dear Know-It-All McJudgy,
As your due date nears, you’re obsessing over all the trivial details. If only you could grasp that most of your worries are completely insignificant. The best thing you can do right now is to crawl into bed and take advantage of these last peaceful moments before the baby arrives. Trust me; you won’t get many uninterrupted nights of sleep after this.
What’s that? You can’t sleep because pregnancy is making you uncomfortable? Just wait until you’re lying awake at 3 AM, covered in baby spit-up, afraid to move lest you disturb your little “sleeps when cuddled.”
And let’s talk about the absurd things consuming your thoughts—like whether you’ll have an embarrassing moment during delivery. When the time comes, you’ll be so focused on getting that baby out that you won’t give a hoot if your bodily functions are on display for all to see. Seriously, you’ll care more about the baby’s exit than the minor details.
Oh, and that book on natural childbirth you’re so invested in? It’s time to stop wasting your precious time on it. Instead, grab a copy of What the Heck Do I Do with This Baby? because when labor hits, you’ll be begging for an epidural before you even hit three centimeters. Remember, childbirth is just one day, but parenting is a lifelong journey. Spend more time learning about raising a child instead of mastering breathing techniques that won’t ease your pain but might prove useful for your first post-birth bathroom visit.
You have a lot of opinions about parenting now, but soon you’ll realize just how clueless you are. Karma has a funny way of coming back to bite you. For every judgment you pass on others’ parenting decisions, brace yourself for a lifetime of guilt. Enjoy judging that friend who leaves her kids at daycare for a little “me time.” Soon enough, you’ll wish daycare was open on weekends. And remember that woman in the grocery store whose shirt was askew? Karma’s got a way of rearranging things, and you might find yourself in a similar situation, complete with mismatched clothes and remnants of breakfast on your child’s face.
So indulge in that extra slice of cheesecake while you still can. You think it’s all going to your belly, but it’s definitely going straight to your backside. And forget about being one of those lucky women who sheds weight while breastfeeding; you’ll be the mom who’s perpetually unkempt, wearing something akin to a moo moo that even your grandmother would find unflattering. A daily shower will feel as elusive as flying monkeys serving you drinks on the beach in Maui. In fact, visiting the dentist will soon become your idea of a spa day.
After the baby arrives, between caring for your little one and coming to terms with the fact that your partner can be a bit of a doofus, you’ll feel overwhelmed. You’ll find yourself taking birth control like candy just to avoid a second child. But one fateful night, after a few glasses of cheap wine, you just might decide to go for it again.
The only thing that will help you through the stretch marks, baby messes, and postpartum blues is the love you don’t even know exists yet. So buckle up, grab your mom jeans, and hold on tight. The journey is just beginning. Instead of being judgmental, start uplifting other moms—you’ll need their support when you realize you’re navigating this parenting thing without a map.
With love,
Me