I’m not sure when it happened exactly, but somewhere between welcoming my first child and now, I morphed into a rather repulsive version of myself. It wasn’t until a friend without kids shot me a horrified look that I realized just how far I’ve fallen. Here’s a rundown of how my standards have slipped:
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Is It Chocolate or Something Else?
Before kids: A brown smudge meant only one thing—chocolate. I’d probably have licked it off without a second thought.
After kids: Now, that brown stain could very well be poop. My first instinct? A hefty sniff to confirm what I’m dealing with. Either way, whether it’s chocolate or poop, I’m unlikely to stop my current task to clean it up. It can wait. -
Snot and Boogers Galore!
Before kids: Boogers were my nemesis. I’d use multiple tissues to blow my nose and if I saw someone else pick theirs, I’d gag and sprint for the bathroom.
After kids: If a tissue is handy, I might use it, but if not, my bare hand is the next option. Extracting boogers from my baby’s nose has become routine; snotty shoulders on my black tops? Just a part of life. -
The Human Vomit Catcher
Before kids: If anyone looked remotely queasy, I was out of there, avoiding any potential barf spray.
After kids: When my kids start to hurl, my instinct is to catch it with my hands. Why? Because it’s easier to deal with warm, chunky vomit than to scrub my carpets. -
Saliva is Now a Cleaning Agent
Before kids: As a child, I was tormented by my sister’s saliva antics—licking our noses and torturing us!
After kids: Now, I don’t think twice about using my saliva to wipe my kids’ faces. It’s about cleaning them, not inflicting pain… or so I tell myself! -
Nail Care Takes a Backseat
Before kids: If my nails got long, I’d cut them, plain and simple.
After kids: Children’s nails grow at lightning speed! Keeping track of their tiny clippers is a challenge. It won’t be long before I’m sitting on the couch nibbling my baby’s nails! -
Sleeping in Accidents
Before kids: The only times I’d wake up in urine would be due to a night of heavy drinking.
After kids: One night, you’ll wake up to an unexpected warmth on your back. When the sleepy bedwetter whispers, “Sorry, Mommy,” you’ll feel guilty for your initial panic! Eventually, you’ll have to choose between changing the sheets at an ungodly hour or just tossing a towel over it and trying to sleep. -
Bath Time Shenanigans
Before kids: If there was an accident in the tub, I’d drain and disinfect it immediately.
After kids: A little pee in the bath? I’ll just look away. It’s diluted, and with a line of kids waiting to bathe, I can’t waste time changing the water. -
Ice Cream Cone Prep
Before kids: I never understood why my mom would lick the ice cream cone before serving it to me.
After kids: Now, I’m the one licking the cone into shape before handing it over, all in the name of preventing a chocolate disaster on my kid’s clothes. -
Leftover Highchair Snacks
Before kids: Eating food off someone else’s plate was a hard pass.
After kids: If my child isn’t eating their food, and I’m too busy to make my own lunch, well, I guess it’s fair game! -
The Diaper Sniff Test
Before kids: I’d never have willingly inhaled the aftermath of a bathroom break.
After kids: Now, I can’t resist checking for confirmation of a messy diaper. It’s just something you do!
The lengths we go to for our children can be downright gross. My only hope is that one day, my kids will also find themselves on this journey to becoming, well, a bit disgusting. Ah, the circle of life!
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