One late afternoon, I find myself typing away in the kitchen when the double doors swing open. In rushes my eldest son, Max, his cheeks flushed with excitement and a helmet perched askew on his head. “Mom!” he exclaims, but my eyes are glued to the screen. “Mom!” he insists again, “I can ride a bike!” Now he has my full attention.
Two years ago, we’d bought him a bright new bike for his fifth birthday. It was a size up, as Max has always been tall for his age. “Room to grow,” the shopkeeper had said, which seemed wise then. But it turned out to be a miscalculation. Max is cautious, and our attempts to navigate the streets with him wobbling on the bike, despite the training wheels, were stressful for both of us. I found myself gripping the back of his seat, desperately trying to keep him upright against the pull of gravity.
After a handful of outings, our interest waned. The rainy autumn soon transitioned into an even rainier winter, and the bike was left to gather dust and rust. Life changed dramatically as I welcomed twins into the family, and suddenly I lacked the energy even to dress myself, let alone teach Max how to ride. He found other ways to play outside, often without me.
As children grow, the process of letting go is inevitable. Sometimes it happens gradually, marking the passage of time, while other times, it’s accelerated by circumstances. The arrival of two new babies certainly created a bit of distance between me and my five-and-a-half-year-old. Where I once knew the intricacies of his daily life, there were now evenings when I tucked him in, only to hear fragments of stories from days past. He was evolving, and I was struggling to keep pace.
That summer, Max began making new friends, which had never come easily to him. Our home is part of a neighborhood that backs onto a parking lot. A path leads directly to the backyards of neighboring houses, where boys his age began calling him to come out and play. At first, I hesitated. Was he old enough to venture the 100 meters to the next yard alone? To explore side alleys unsupervised, creating forts and secret agent labs? The other parents seemed to think so, and eventually, I agreed.
Soon, this gathering of kids became a staple of our afternoons. Max would rush home from school, eager to join his new friends. If it was drizzly, they’d crowd indoors, but on sunny days, they raced down the unbroken sidewalk, sharing each other’s bikes. Their collection featured all kinds of bikes, some with training wheels, others without, and even balance bikes that helped kids learn to ride by focusing on balance rather than stability.
This dynamic perfectly encapsulates parenting, doesn’t it? One approach involves guiding them as they learn to steady themselves on the path to independence, while the other is about propping them up, which might seem safer but ultimately hinders their ability to find their balance. I remember how I used to “encourage” Max to walk at 13 months, even when he showed no signs of readiness. I would pull him around the room, trying to support him as he buckled under his own weight. Those efforts were for my benefit, not his; back then, I was rushing through milestones as if they were tests to be passed.
Of course, Max eventually took his first steps, and I was there to witness it. I was there for his first potty use, the first button he fastened, and the first word he read. Each moment was filled with pride. However, the moment he bounded through the garden doors, eager to show me that he had mastered riding on his own was different. It was a pride not just in his achievement, but in his independence. I had unwittingly allowed him to learn for himself, and that realization brought me joy.
Ultimately, this journey of parenting illustrates a profound truth: while the milestones achieved with our support are precious, those that happen when we step back can often be even more rewarding.
This essay first appeared in Brain, Child Magazine.
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Summary:
In the whirlwind of parenting, moments of independence can be bittersweet. Jessica Lee reflects on her son Max’s journey of learning to ride a bike, illustrating the importance of stepping back to allow children to achieve milestones on their own. These experiences, though they may not include constant parental guidance, often bring greater joy and pride.
Keyphrase: Children’s milestones
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