Updated: August 21, 2015
Originally Published: December 30, 2013
The pediatrician: your go-to ally in navigating sniffles, a source of invaluable advice (and vaccinations), and the bearer of both good and uncomfortable news about your little one’s peculiar rashes. However, it can often be a challenge to decipher what the pediatrician is genuinely conveying, especially amidst the backdrop of coughs and the chatter of freshly vaccinated infants. Here’s how to interpret the pediatrician’s lingo:
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Pediatrician: “Most babies don’t experience adverse reactions to the flu shot.”
Translation: “Your baby’s reaction to the flu vaccine might resemble Bruce Banner’s transformation under stress.” -
Pediatrician: “Breastfeed your baby for as long as possible.”
Translation: “At least a year is ideal; otherwise, prepare for a future of questionable math skills and less-than-stellar attractiveness.” -
Pediatrician: “Your child is in the 95th percentile for height and weight.”
Translation: “Maybe ease up on the feeding, just a tad?” -
Pediatrician: “The color, consistency, and amount of your baby’s poop appear to be normal.”
Translation: “Please, no more bringing in dirty diapers to show me during visits.” -
Pediatrician: “Your child has a virus that will resolve on its own.”
Translation: “Unfortunately, I can’t prescribe codeine for toddlers.” -
Pediatrician: “It will take me five business days to complete those school forms.”
Translation: “I’ll be soaking up the sun in St. Thomas for the next two weeks.” -
Pediatrician: “If I kept every child home who wasn’t 100% healthy, classrooms would be empty.”
Translation: “Return that isolation bubble you bought and send your child to school.” -
Pediatrician: “Don’t hesitate to reach out if you have concerns.”
Translation: “If you call me at 3 AM about a runny nose, your future inquiries will go straight to voicemail.” -
Pediatrician: “Given your ongoing worries, I suggest a specialist.”
Translation: “A child psychologist for the kids of anxious parents.” -
Pediatrician: “See you in two months.”
Translation: “I’ll expect you back in two days when you think a mosquito bite is leprosy.”
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In summary, understanding pediatricians can sometimes feel like a puzzle. However, by learning to decipher their language, parents can better navigate the complexities of their child’s health.
Keyphrase: Understanding Your Pediatrician
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