Let’s face it—I need a raise. After carefully considering the many roles we play as parents, it’s clear that our contributions deserve far more recognition (and compensation) than the under-$100K figures floating around the internet since I joined the ranks of parenthood.
Sure, professional caregivers perform some of the same tasks we do as parents, but let’s get real. Personal chef? Guilty. I whip up meals daily without a Michelin star. Personal assistant, errand runner, and shopper? Absolutely, as best as I can manage. The staff at my local grocery store could probably identify me by my first name.
Cleaning service? While my partner, Alex, may overlook my less-than-stellar cleaning skills out of love, I wouldn’t pass a job interview for that role. But yes, I carry that title, nonetheless.
And let’s not forget the handyman duties. After a rather shocking incident involving a light socket, I’ve sworn off electrical work. But if the kids clog a toilet or misplace toys in the shower drain, I’m on it. Thank goodness for the internet, right?
But I’m not just talking about the everyday tasks. I mean the hardcore stuff that requires a specialist’s expertise (and pay).
Let’s Dive into the Nitty-Gritty
I’ve been literally and figuratively “shit on.” Home healthcare nurses earn about $27/hour for dealing with similar situations—add up all those diaper changes and potty training messes, and I’d estimate I clocked in about 100 hours of poop duty. That’s around $2,700 for the annual “poo-catching” role. And honestly, I think the pay should be higher, perhaps with a bonus HazMat suit and a lifetime supply of disinfectant.
I constantly find myself in the role of “Bad Cop.” Time-outs? They were my specialty, but as the kids aged, the challenges multiplied. Ever managed a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old at the same time? That’s me, dishing out punishments multiple times a day, a cycle that continues as they morph into tweens. This is not unlike what dominatrixes do, who charge between $150-300/hour to keep people in line. I’m doing it for free, which means I’m missing out on potentially $164,250 a year for all the reminders of who’s in charge.
Urine in my eye? Check. If you need to hire someone to remove something unpleasant from your home, like mold, it’ll cost you at least $500. I’ve had to deal with more than my fair share of bodily fluids, including turtle pee (thanks for that, kids).
I’ve even cleaned up after a child’s stomach bug—without a HazMat suit. How am I not calling the CDC? Oh, right, because I want a good overtime rate for that mess, not just the standard $500.
And yes, I’ve held a bowl of vomit—not exactly a glamorous job. NYC cab drivers charge a $50 fee if someone gets sick in their vehicle. My hands? They’re like vehicles, constantly on the move and carrying people. So, where’s my $50 for every retch I’ve caught?
Bath time? It’s a slippery circus act every night. Those Cirque du Soleil performers earn about $72,000 a year; I think that’s a fair rate for the 730 baths I’ve managed without a major disaster.
I’m like a Terminator, seeking out potential hazards for my children. Professional babyproofers charge around $75/hour for this. I’m doing it every hour of every day—so that’s $75/hour multiplied by 24 hours a day, all year long.
Hotels impose hefty cleaning fees for guests who misbehave. But what about parents? If a child makes a mess, should we not consider a cleaning fee?
And the car? That’s a whole other level of chaos. Just leaving a Yoo-hoo bottle behind in a rental can lead to a $250 cleaning fee. Multiply that by my bi-monthly cleanings, and you can see how much I’m saving the world from turning into a mobile disaster zone.
So, when you tally up all these roles, services, and overtime, it’s clear that the salary I deserve is way higher than the meager appreciation I receive. Sure, the kisses are sweet, but it’s time for a mama to get some real compensation for her hard work.
For anyone interested in pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource at Resolve. And if you’re looking into home insemination kits, don’t miss our posts about the BabyMaker and CryoBaby.
In summary, the everyday tasks of motherhood are far more complex and demanding than many realize. Moms are multi-talented individuals, balancing a multitude of roles that, if compensated fairly, would total a staggering salary far beyond the mere crumbs of affection we currently receive.
Keyphrase: Why Moms Deserve a Raise
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