Deciding to leave the paid workforce to become a stay-at-home mom was the most significant choice I made on my own. There were no advisors, no agents—just me, my husband, and our children amid the delightful chaos of family life. At that moment, I failed to consider the long-term consequences of diminished earnings and career opportunities. I was focused solely on the immediate future, not thinking about how this decision might haunt me years later. I didn’t assess the non-financial costs that would accompany my choice. Instead, I was overwhelmed by two demanding careers, two young children, and another on the way.
One day, I was immersed in the bustling trading floor of a New York bank; the next, I found myself in the playroom surrounded by toys and crayons. While I cherished the time with my kids, I didn’t fully grasp the implications of stepping away from my career at 33. Now, as I reflect on my time at home, I find myself grappling with doubts about my decision. It’s too strong to call it regret, but there’s certainly a sense of remorse as I face an empty nest and limited job prospects.
1. I feel I failed those who paved the way.
In a way, I feel I’ve let down the women who fought for the freedom to pursue their dreams. I distinctly remember reading The Feminine Mystique one summer in my grandparents’ living room. My mother and grandmother had warned me against following the path they took—leaving their careers after having children. Yet, despite those warnings, I spent nearly two decades raising my three children.
2. My driving skills surpassed my academic achievements.
I obtained my driver’s license with minimal effort, yet my college education took years of hard work. Yet for years, I found myself relying on my driving skills far more than my degrees, leaving me feeling as though I was underutilizing my education.
3. My kids view my contributions as trivial.
While they witnessed me cooking, cleaning, volunteering, and even writing, they still perceive me as having no “real” job. This perspective can be disheartening.
4. My social circle became limited.
While I forged meaningful friendships during my time as a stay-at-home mom, I often found myself surrounded by a narrow demographic of women with similar backgrounds and aspirations. My previous work life offered a rich tapestry of diverse interactions that I now miss.
5. I became overwhelmed by volunteer commitments.
I dove into various volunteer opportunities, some of which were fulfilling, while others felt trivial. It’s easy to get lost in the flurry of activities, but when the projects end, the organization continues without me.
6. I found myself worrying more.
With so much time spent with my kids, I became hyper-focused on their every move, which might not have been beneficial for any of us. Working outside the home could have helped me maintain a more balanced perspective on parenting.
7. Our marriage took on traditional roles.
In the early years, my husband and I shared the same responsibilities, but as I stayed home, our partnership began to echo more traditional gender roles. Though he sees me as an equal, the dynamics have shifted subtly.
8. I became less relevant in the workforce.
Once adept with cutting-edge technology in banking, I noticed my skills waning. While I manage to keep up with tech trends, I often find my adult children providing tech support, a stark contrast to my previous experience.
9. I lowered my ambitions and confidence.
The most significant consequence of my time at home was a decline in my self-perception and aspirations. I convinced myself that raising my children was enough, but I didn’t recognize how my focus on family led to a loss of my own dreams.
If I could rewind the clock, I would have sought ways to stay connected to the workforce, even in a limited capacity. Although I lacked a job that easily accommodated part-time work, I realize that creativity and determination could have allowed for a better balance between parenting and career.
As I look back at my grown children, I am incredibly grateful for the time we shared. However, maintaining some connection to my career could have eased my eventual transition back into the workforce.
In conclusion, while the journey of motherhood is invaluable, it’s essential to recognize the complexities that come with stepping away from one’s career. Balancing family and professional aspirations is challenging, but it’s critical to keep both alive.