By: Jamie Collins
Updated: November 30, 2015
Originally Published: February 19, 2013
I always hoped my baby would be a little beauty queen. An unattractive baby was definitely not part of my ideal birthing plan. I was sure that my child would be stunning—after all, hybrid babies have a reputation for being gorgeous. If you doubt the allure of mixed genetics, just think of two names: Beyoncé and Jason Momoa. With that genetic mix brewing inside me, I imagined my little masterpiece emerging in designer attire.
The first hint that things might not go as planned came right after I let out a loud “Oh my God!” during the final push. Instead of the expected, “What a beautiful baby!” from the nurse, I heard, “Whoa.”
Anticipation filled the room as I waited for them to place my darling little one on my chest for an admiring glance. But instead, the nurse quickly whisked my baby away to the scale and whispered to the doctor, “I thought you said this baby was full term.”
I was still waiting, legs akimbo, for the celebratory moment. Then the nurse exclaimed, “Oh, look! She’s got a Mongolian spot on her backside… wow, that’s a doozy!”
Excuse me! I was waiting here, and where’s my celebratory drink? My husband sauntered over, and I could hear him chuckling. “She definitely needed more time to bake,” he quipped.
“Can I get some alcohol over here?” I demanded, along with my baby.
“The Apgar score is good,” the head nurse said, trying to reassure us.
My mother, who couldn’t resist the moment, chimed in, “What’s this Mongolian spot thing?” and then she started giggling. “Hey, Ron!” she called to my father, who had been lingering outside, “The baby has your belly!”
My father cautiously entered the room, looking serious. “Is that because she came out so quickly?” he whispered.
“Like a bobsledder in the Olympics!” my husband added with a smirk.
Meanwhile, the doctor was still busy handling the aftermath, and I was getting irked. “Can I please have my champagne and my baby, for crying out loud?” I shouted.
They finally obliged. Good thing I insisted on that drink because, honestly, that baby was not winning any beauty contests. But as I gazed into those big eyes and that little monkey face, things didn’t seem so bad after all. Oh, and she immediately pooped all over my chest!
Welcome to the world, my little not-so-perfect baby. I promise to love you anyway.
For more information on pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource at WomensHealth.gov. And if you’re curious about enhancing fertility, be sure to visit Make A Mom for tips. For those considering self-insemination, you might find this at-home insemination kit helpful.
In summary, while the birth experience may not have gone as glamorously as I envisioned, the love I felt for my unique baby was instant. It’s a wild ride, this parenting journey, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Keyphrase: “ugly baby”
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