At 39, I jumped into parenthood a bit later than most. During my first ultrasound, my doctor casually referred to me as an “advanced maternal age primigravida.” “Advanced maternal age? What’s happening down there?” I thought. Was my uterus auditioning for a role in a horror film? Did my cervix just send an invitation to a retirement party? After a gentle explanation, I learned that “advanced maternal age” simply means a pregnant woman over 35. Fantastic, so my reproductive system is practically on the bingo circuit!
Ever since that moment, I’ve had some pretty strong opinions about what I like to call “mom jargon.” Here’s a list of motherhood phrases that can honestly take a hike:
- Baby Bump: Seriously, why can’t we just say “belly” or “stomach”? Somewhere along the line, someone decided that saying “baby bump” sounded much more exotic than a simple “pregnant belly.” “Look at your baby bump! Have you treated that with some salicylic acid?” or “Her baby bump is just adorable!” Please, just stop.
- Pump and Dump: I admit I’ve used this term, influenced by a rather large margarita. While it’s technically accurate—if you indulge in a drink, you pump your breast milk and toss it—every time I hear “pump and dump,” I can’t shake the image of a frazzled mom multitasking with a breast pump while perched awkwardly on a toilet. Let’s find a better phrase, perhaps “protecting the baby’s liver” or “removing the guilt from my mojito evening”?
- Push Present: When did this trend start? A gift for undergoing labor? Sure, childbirth is challenging, but it’s not like women are doing a favor for their partners. Once you’re pregnant, that baby is coming out, like it or not. And the term itself? The mental image is absurd. Picture this: a woman in labor, groaning and pushing, only for a nicely wrapped gift to appear as if by magic. “Congratulations! Here’s a new handbag for all your hard work!” Ridiculous.
- DD, DS, and DH: Are we serious with these acronyms for dear daughter, dear son, and dear husband? Can we just call them “son,” “daughter,” and “husband”? Surely we can manage to say “kids” or “spouse” without turning our loved ones into bureaucratic titles. I mean, yes, I love my family, but I don’t always like them. And let’s be honest, sometimes I’m just “OMG, why?” to my husband, which doesn’t exactly fit in an acronym.
- Mucus Plug: Not slang, but can we agree this term is way too graphic? I propose we come up with a euphemism for it. “Baby stopper” has a nice ring, as does “stork cork.” I’m open to ideas!
- Effaced: This is another term that’s not exactly slang, but misleading nonetheless. Effacement refers to the thinning of the cervix before delivery. Until I took a birthing class, I thought being effaced meant the baby was…well, you get the idea. Can we just say “thinning”? When you’re nine months pregnant, it’s nice to hear that something is getting thinner—even if it’s a delicate part of your body about to face some serious action.
- Fur Baby: I get it, pets are family. Mine gets treated like royalty, but a “fur baby”? No way. My dog doesn’t create a human-sized mess and isn’t nursing from me, so let’s save the term “baby” for actual children. Unless you’re raising a creature from the Star Wars universe, let’s leave “fur baby” behind.
And there you have it! That’s my list of terms that I wish would vanish into thin air. If you’ve ever used any of these phrases, well, I may have lowered my opinion of you just a tad. (For the record, I just had a breakfast of cold pizza and coffee.)
For more information on pregnancy and related topics, check out this excellent resource from Healthline. If you’re looking for insights on home insemination, visit Make a Mom for their at-home intracervical insemination syringe kit.
Summary
This article discusses seven motherhood terms that the author finds annoying, including “baby bump,” “pump and dump,” and “push present.” The humorous critique highlights the absurdity of these phrases and calls for more straightforward language in motherhood conversations.
Keyphrase: motherhood terminology
Tags: [“home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”]