Updated: Dec. 21, 2020
Originally Published: Dec. 30, 2012
You might be familiar with the concept of “adult coloring books”—those intricate collections of illustrations featuring mature themes, from floral designs to spiritual symbols. The idea is that after a long day filled with unsolicited advice and toddler meltdowns, you stroll through Target or the grocery store and pick one up for a little creative relief. Picture navigating a gauntlet of judgmental onlookers who lecture you on the dangers of dressing your son in pink, while your daughter throws a fit over a snack you cleverly withheld. After surviving a catastrophic diaper blowout in the dairy section, you finally collapse on the couch with colored pencils in hand, ready to fill in complex patterns that somehow feel both soothing and overwhelming.
I, too, find joy in this chaos, which is precisely why I became a parent. So, I created my own coloring book specifically for new parents. These illustrations are designed to help you unwind while you reminisce about the daily adventures that almost led to disaster. Imagine coloring in a tiny, wailing baby next to a generous glass of merlot and a marker that the cat just batted off the table. Inhale deeply and try to ignore the unique aroma of baby spit-up mixed with last week’s leftovers. Namaste.
Drawing 1: You Finally Buckled Your Baby into the Car Seat, Only for Her to Immediately Have a Diaper Disaster
Lisa Thompson
Jon Pinder
Did you have plans today? Well, not if your little one has a say in the matter. There’s a near-certainty that the moment you secure them in their car seat, a diaper explosion will occur. Enjoy this drawing as you recall the pediatrician’s sharp remarks about your tardiness, despite having waited 35 minutes for your appointment.
Drawing 2: An Elderly Woman in the Parking Lot Lectures You Because It’s Mild Outside and Your Baby Isn’t Wearing Socks
Lisa Thompson
It’s astonishing how much unsolicited advice you receive once you have a child. The moment you step out with your baby, you’ll encounter well-meaning strangers eager to inform you that “you’re doing it wrong.” “Did you know your baby will be doomed to lifelong difficulties if she doesn’t wear a hat for thirty seconds?” I suggest responding with, “Actually, my baby thinks dog hair is a gourmet delicacy and prefers to go pants-less. So, if you don’t mind, please leave me alone.”
Drawing 3: You Look Away for Just a Moment, and Now Your Baby is Gorging on Gravel
Lisa Thompson
Driveway gravel is a rock, and rocks are minerals, right? As a new mom, I quickly learned that vacuuming is an exercise in futility. My child can sniff out the most questionable food items on the floor, from that snack you dropped last spring while binging on reality TV to the gravel from outside. She’ll devour them all—gravel, dried leaves, and yes, even her own spit-up.
Drawing 4: Your Baby Detests Pants, Especially in Public, and Everyone is Staring at You
Lisa Thompson
The only thing your baby hates more than pants is remaining still. Pants are an obstacle to your quest to appear as a put-together parent, and your child will fight tooth and nail to avoid them. If you do manage to get them on, they’ll likely drag them through the house, collecting dust and dog hair along the way. It’s as if they’ve made a pact with every other child to go pants-less in public. Everyone is judging you; see Drawing 3 for a friendly reminder of your predicament.
Congratulations on embarking on this new hobby! It’s crucial to carve out some “me” time as a mom. When I’m not snuggling my little one or coloring, I’m usually donning an oversized, stained sweatsuit, rocking in the corner, and yelling, “Don’t touch me!” at my partner. Colored pencils are definitely the way to go over markers.
If you’re interested in learning more about home insemination, you can check out this post or discover more about pregnancy through this excellent resource.
In summary, this coloring book is a humorous and relatable take on the chaos of new parenthood, offering illustrations that reflect the trials and tribulations of daily life with a baby, all while encouraging a moment of relaxation and creativity.
Keyphrase: A Coloring Book for New Parents
Tags: [“home insemination kit” “home insemination syringe” “self insemination”]