Embarking on the journey of parenthood is not for the faint-hearted. As a family therapist and a parent myself, I often think that marriage licenses and pregnancy tests should come with disclaimers. Just like the warnings found on alcohol and tobacco products, it would be fitting to have a cheerful little note that says:
Surgeon General’s Warning: Emily, what you are about to experience will stretch, exhaust, and transform your mind and body to the point that you may hardly recognize the person you once were. There will be days filled with screams and tears, and yes, you might find yourself yearning for your mother. Parenting will bring immense joy, but Emily, you may want to reconsider that blissful smile on your face.
Fortunately, for those who might underestimate the emotional and physical toll of family life, I present to you… Family Boot Camp: Preparing for Parenthood.
- Get Ready for Extreme Physical Endeavors. I’m going to disrupt your sleep 3-9 times each night for an entire year. Then, on one particularly sleepy afternoon, I will ask you to carry six overflowing grocery bags and a 30-pound hyperactive monkey through an obstacle course of bicycles, helmets, and baseballs. And just for fun, you’ll also have to hold the hand of a charming little three-toed sloth who could walk but prefers to remain planted on the lawn. Oh, and when your phone rings out of the blue, don’t hesitate to answer! It could be the vet’s office.
- Cultivate Compassion for Absurdity. (For the record, my children and partner never cause me to deal with utter nonsense, and I never have to remind myself to empathize with their viewpoints. Totally believable, right?) For this stage of training, I will spend 82 minutes lamenting the fact that Justin Bieber’s tour schedule neglects to include a stop in Seattle. If you so much as hint that the world hasn’t ended, I will be sure to provide you with a realistic example of the consequences of habitual invalidation: a tearful outburst declaring that you’re a complete failure, accompanied by 3-4 rocks hurled at your car’s windshield.
- Prepare for Moments of Utter Failure. Next, I will escort you to the kitchen and instruct you to bake a ridiculously simple pot pie using an equally simple recipe. Just a heads up: the monkey and sloth will be there, flinging raw chicken around the room, shoving noodles up their noses, and attempting to squeeze each other into the oven. The flour that will surely find its way into your hair will age you by at least 20 years. Speaking of which, in about 20 minutes, another woman—20 pounds lighter than you and carrying a platter of 20 varieties of tiny quiches—will stroll in and cheerfully point out how long it’s taking you to finish.
- Embrace Total Lack of Control. Your next training task is quite simple: teach this tree to read. While I bombard you with commercials and articles claiming that your 10-foot tree’s inability to read Shakespeare will lead to a lifetime of living in your basement, requiring you to spend your entire retirement savings on fertilizer. Your training will only be complete when you calmly accept every inevitability of this scenario.
- Maintain Composure with Frustrating People. I will place you in a room with a random individual and challenge you to find a way to teach him the principles of Keynesian Economics to his satisfactory level of understanding. The twist? This man only speaks Russian, and I’ve informed him, in Russian, that the goal of your meeting is for him to teach you an Olympic-level gymnastics routine. And when your friend or mother-in-law, or even your partner criticizes your ability to handle any of these tasks, you’ll face one final challenge: biting your tongue, holding your chin high, and reminding yourself that you’re doing an incredible job.
If you’re contemplating starting a family, it’s a good idea to assess your readiness. You can also explore more about artificial insemination techniques at Make a Mom or check out this comprehensive overview of the subject on Wikipedia.
In summary, the path to parenthood is filled with unexpected challenges and profound transformations. While the journey can be exhausting, it also offers immeasurable rewards that make it all worthwhile.