As much as I hate to admit it, nearly every interaction I have starts the same way:
Other Person: Hey, Laura! How are you?
Me: Ugh, I’m so tired. How about you?
I’m tired for a million reasons, of course. I have kids, dogs, and cats running around. My mind races at a million miles an hour, and as a self-proclaimed neat freak, while others are unwinding with a good book or TV show, I’m busy scrubbing the refrigerator or sorting Monopoly cards so they all face the same way. My partner snores like a chainsaw, our neighbors are in constant debate mode, and there’s a flock of the loudest birds known to humankind outside my bedroom window, chirping away from dusk until dawn without a care in the world.
Health magazines and websites suggest my sleeplessness could be linked to my thyroid, midlife hormones, too little exercise or water, too much stress, caffeine, or alcohol, and definitely not enough massages—though they never actually mention that last part. I can’t be the only one who manages to doze off within minutes of a $75 massage while struggling to find sleep at home, right?
Desperate, I turn to my friend Google for answers. “Guaranteed sleep solution,” I type for the umpteenth time, and the results are often as useful as telling me to simply “get more sleep” (which makes me want to punch the advice-giver in the throat). Here’s a rundown of the most intriguing expert sleep tips I unearthed:
- Skip the nightcap. Apparently, drinking earlier in the day might help with sleep. I’m willing to give it a shot.
- Reduce stress. Oh, why didn’t I think of that? I’ll just quit my job, let go of saving for retirement, and put the kids up for adoption. Instant relaxation, right?
- Invest in blackout curtains. Since I’m an early riser, I’m skeptical this will help, but any excuse to redecorate is welcome. I’ll be on Overstock.com looking for stylish window treatments.
- Avoid exercising right before bed. Strongly noted.
- Grab a light snack before bedtime. Apparently, a mini-meal with carbs and protein can boost serotonin levels. A grilled cheese in bed sounds tempting!
- Don’t overindulge in snacks. Experts say too much food at bedtime leads to restlessness. Clearly, they’ve never experienced the bliss of a Thanksgiving feast followed by a food coma.
- Limit daytime naps. Ha! I haven’t napped in five years—thanks for the tip, sleep experts.
- Unplug your clock. This is absurd. How would I know how late it is or how long before I can catch some REM sleep?
- Don’t sleep with your phone under the pillow. Seriously?
- Avoid bright lights before sleep. So, I shouldn’t crank up all the lamps in my house to set the mood for relaxation?
- Cut back on caffeine. Refer back to “avoid bright lights before bed.”
- Practice “sleep hygiene.” This doesn’t mean go to bed dirty; it’s about keeping a consistent bedtime schedule, even on weekends. Thankfully, my insomnia doesn’t use a calendar, so I’m already doing this!
Finally, just let it go. This isn’t professional advice, but it’s often all we can do. We’ll sleep when we’re dead, right? So next time you’re staring at your alarm clock, trying to predict when it will flip over, why not surprise your partner instead? Fifty bucks says the trash will get taken out the next day without you even asking. It’s worth a shot!
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In conclusion, while these sleep solutions may seem overwhelming or impractical at times, finding what works for you could lead to better rest. And if all else fails, remember to take it easy and embrace the chaos of life!
Keyphrase: Sleep solutions
Tags: “home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”