Before my mother-in-law passed away at 72, she invited her family and friends to gather in her cozy living room, wearing her favorite pink vest as she felt the chill of her condition. “This is such a gift to say goodbye to all of you,” she remarked, looking around at each familiar face. A gift? I thought. You are leaving us.
Months later, as my sorrow began to ease, I grasped the depth of her words. At her memorial, her life unfolded like a photo album—childhood friends, high school pals, college companions, and those she met while enjoying the winters in sunny Tucson, Arizona. She recognized that every life has a narrative with a beginning, middle, and end, and she had woven her story with intention. Death wasn’t something to dread; it was merely the conclusion of her journey on Earth.
My faith may not match hers, but her final words ignited a newfound appreciation for her life. Death transformed from a fearful unknown into a natural progression; her body’s gradual decline was predictable. Surrounded by her six grown children, the most beautiful aspect of her life enveloped her as she departed.
While we may have offered her the chance to say farewell, she gifted us with something profound. Her lack of fear about dying eased my own anxieties. Now, death no longer feels like an abyss, and that is a lesson I want to share with my children.
Recently, our family faced a difficult decision: Our dog, after a routine surgery, developed a severe esophageal stricture, preventing her from eating or drinking. She struggled in our yard, throwing up and gagging on grass in a desperate attempt to soothe her discomfort. The surgeon informed us that for a hefty sum, we could sedate her for an endoscopy followed by balloon dilations, but there were no guarantees. Alternatively, since our dog was beyond her expected lifespan, we could choose to let her go peacefully.
Before my mother-in-law’s passing, I would have fought tooth and nail to save our pet. However, through her perspective, I learned the importance of knowing when to let go. My father-in-law, a veterinarian, often shares, “Clients frequently request everything possible to save their pets, only to return months later frustrated as their pet struggles.” He advised us to cherish the memories while they were still good. It wouldn’t be fair to prolong her suffering simply because we weren’t ready to part ways.
Our eldest son chose to be present when we made the difficult decision to put our dog to sleep. He cradled her head and spoke soothingly until she quietly passed. Despite the pain, he found a sense of peace. Here is how we prepared our children for this heart-wrenching goodbye.
Acknowledge Their Fears
My husband and I listened to our children’s worries, which helped us understand their individual beliefs and concerns. Each child, at different developmental stages, grappled with unique fears—addressing them allowed us to guide the conversation away from our own anxieties.
Teach Your Children About Life’s Cycles
When my mother-in-law died, we discussed her life and legacy. Her death was just one moment in a much larger story, a transition that mirrored the life cycles of butterflies they had learned about in school.
Understanding Pain and Release
We involved our children in discussions about our dog’s situation. We explored how her arthritic body caused her pain, and how freeing her from that suffering was an act of love.
Encouraging Expression of Grief
It was essential for the kids to have an outlet for their sadness. They created clay paw prints of our dog, preserving memories in a tangible way.
Fostering Gratitude
Grief is an ebb and flow. At our dinner table, we share stories and memories of both our mother-in-law and our dog, ensuring that their legacies continue to be part of our lives. We express gratitude for the joy they brought into our world.
This article was originally published on June 20, 2012.
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In summary, discussing death with children can transform fear into understanding. By acknowledging their feelings, teaching them about life cycles, and encouraging gratitude, we can help them navigate grief with love and resilience.
Keyphrase: Helping Children Cope with Death
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