“Most of the kids look the same,” my daughter piped up, surveying her peers at the preschool snack table.
I shifted a bit in my tiny chair, wrapping my hands more tightly around my warm chai, bracing myself to see if the conversation would continue. Around the table, a dozen little ones were busily munching on their raisins and crackers, only half-listening to her.
The phrase “most of the kids” struck me as complex. Their minds are evolving rapidly, absorbing the world around them like sponges. I witness their cognitive growth daily, like watching dough rise in the oven.
“Most of the kids have pink shirts on. We match!” my daughter continued. “And Julie matches Ms. Taylor!”
Julie chimed in, “I match Mommy’s hair!”
This matching theme has been prevalent in our household over the past couple of months. As their understanding of colors and features develops, they’re beginning to grasp the concept of likeness and difference. Their minds are busy sorting through these ideas: Our skin tones vary, but our eyes can be the same. “Mommy has brown eyes, but I have a tummy mommy.”
Her desire to mirror me pulls at my heart. After three years of nurturing our family bond, I feel a strong connection to her. Yet, she is still a young child, seeking tangible proof of her belonging through colors and textures. Words aren’t enough. Love and connection are abstract concepts. She needs to see and feel it. “Garrett has hair like Dad’s, and my eyes are like Mommy’s.”
I gently encourage her, concealing my concerns. My adult worries surface. I know she needs to embrace her Haitian heritage and brown skin as she grows. I fear that her longing to match her white mother instead of her African American teacher could reflect a failure to counteract society’s prevailing message that equates beauty with whiteness. But for now, I feel reassured. She tells me she is beautiful and lights up when I style her hair. In this moment, she is simply a child exploring her place within our family, not someone rejecting her appearance.
The preschoolers looked at me, sticky hands poised with raisins, eager for my input.
“I don’t match,” I reminded my daughter, “my skin is tan, and while your eyes are like mine, your skin is dark like Ms. Taylor’s. We’re all unique. Who else has brown eyes?”
Four small hands shot up. “I have green eyes,” an adorably curly-haired boy announced.
“You do! Who else?” I prompted, reveling in the comparisons. “Nina has blue eyes, just like Garrett.”
“But you’re the only one with red hair,” I added, “We’re all different, and that’s what makes us special.”
Just like that, their attention shifted to a new distraction—a spilled cup of water, or perhaps the dwindling pile of raisins. Teacher Lisa called them to the Art Room, where a local botanist was ready to introduce them to giant leaf bugs. “They’re remarkable! Look how big they are!”
The kids were captivated, and while the topic of matching faded for now, I knew it would resurface. Their thoughts are like a pendulum, swinging back and forth between concepts of identity and belonging.
I yearn to instill in her the idea that she is extraordinary: “You are beautiful, unique, and irreplaceable. Don’t let the world’s narrow standards of beauty dictate your worth. Remember, happiness is not defined by looks. It’s found in a loving family, laughter with friends, and pursuing your passions. It’s about the joy in small moments, like tracing ancient carvings or seeing your grandmother beam at your achievements.”
But she is still too young for the weight of these lessons. I know that. So, I pen these thoughts for her to discover someday. The true measure of a person cannot be seen on the surface. There are many who fit societal beauty ideals who carry their own burdens of insecurity.
We are all different, but fundamentally, we are all the same.
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In summary, as our children navigate their identities, it’s essential to nurture their uniqueness while instilling confidence in who they are. Emphasizing love, acceptance, and individual beauty will help them grow into secure, happy individuals.
Keyphrase: nurturing individuality in children
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