As a mother of three, I’ve never had a baby shower. My journey began in 1992 with the birth of my daughter, followed by the adoption of my sons from China in 2012 and 2013 when they were two and three years old. Now, I’ve got a 22-year-old and two preschoolers, and let me tell you, life is wonderfully chaotic. (And yes, I’m aware of the age gap and the full plate I have.)
When I was pregnant with my daughter, complications in my late pregnancy squashed any hopes of a celebratory gathering. I received gifts and cards, but I missed out on the quintessential “diaper cake” made of Pampers and baby washcloths. I’ve always envied those who can whip up such creative displays with ease (seriously, how do you make that look so simple?). There were no joyful gasps or “oooohs” as I opened my pink-ribboned gifts. I didn’t have sherbet punch in my honor, nor did I get to partake in the classic diaper pin game (you know, the one where you avoid saying “baby”).
When I brought my sons home, the fanfare typical of a newborn’s arrival was absent. Between the two of them, I could count the gifts and cards we received on one hand. It’s not that we’re friendless or unliked (at least, I hope that’s not the case). It’s simply that adoption, particularly older child adoption, is viewed differently.
When a woman is expecting, we shower her with kindness and attention. We ask her how she’s feeling, and while sometimes we might share horror stories, the general tone is uplifting. We tell her she’s glowing and fill her space with flowers and balloons once the baby arrives, along with meals that help ease the transition into parenthood.
But adoption? Well, that’s a different story. Right?
We often fail to recognize that a child joining a family through adoption is just as worthy of celebration. The traditional baby shower games may not resonate with everyone, but why aren’t adoption showers more common? For an adoptive mom-to-be, the arrival of her child—the one she’s longed for—is monumental. She may not have swollen ankles, and her jeans may still fit, but she is filled with a whirlwind of emotions: excitement, anxiety, and a sprinkle of nausea. There’s a long to-do list to tackle before the big day. She worries about being a good mom, the balance of her new child’s needs, and whether her relationship with her partner will shift.
After our first son arrived from China, a neighbor approached me to help organize meals for a new mom (talk about missing the mark!). Just a week earlier, we’d come home with a bewildered two-year-old and had received not a single meal. That little one wasn’t quite sure who I was or why I was so excited about a box of mac n’ cheese. Adjusting to life with a jet-lagged toddler was challenging enough without being asked to help another family.
One month after our second adoption, a lavish baby shower was thrown for three of my coworkers. My “new baby” was three years old at the time. I tried to keep my spirits up and attend, but I found myself bolting after just five minutes, overwhelmed by the realization that I wasn’t seen as a new mom. I spent the next half hour crying in the bathroom while my colleagues—who genuinely didn’t mean to exclude me—expressed their apologies. They just hadn’t thought about my experience. It was an awkward reminder that adoption is often perceived differently.
These oversights stung. It’s not just about the gifts or cake (though I do love cake). It’s about recognizing significant milestones and celebrating families. Each time I receive a baby shower invitation, I feel a pang of envy and sadness. If my friends had known how much a celebration meant to me, perhaps things would have turned out differently. It’s been a journey for me to find peace with this.
Next time a friend shares her adoption plans, remember that adoption is intentional. The mountains of paperwork can be overwhelming and bring anyone to their breaking point. Adoption is a monumental event worthy of celebration—so treat it as such! Ask genuine questions about how things are going. Avoid the trite comments about her good fortune in maintaining her figure (trust me, the pre-adoption stress eating stories are epic).
Never assume that an adopting family doesn’t want to celebrate, even if the child is not a newborn. Welcoming a child into a loving family is a reason to celebrate—so let’s bring on the cake and balloons! Diaper pin game? Optional.
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In summary, adoption is a unique and significant journey that deserves its own celebrations. Recognizing and honoring this experience with a gathering can bring joy and support to future parents.
Keyphrase: “adoption celebration”
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