It was the unexpected rage that shook me to my core. As I navigated the murky waters of postpartum depression (PPD), I anticipated feelings of sadness and irritability, but I never expected to be engulfed by anger. That very rage became the catalyst for seeking help.
About five weeks after my second daughter, Lily, arrived, my partner recognized that I was struggling. To lift my spirits, he surprised me with a half-day at a local spa. I was ecstatic—manicures, facials, massages, and a few precious hours without a baby or toddler clinging to me. Pure bliss.
However, upon returning home, I immediately heard Lily’s cries echoing from the basement. My body tensed up, erasing the tranquility I had just enjoyed. My partner explained that Lily hadn’t eaten while I was away. She had sipped some milk from a bottle but refused to take it again. That was the last time she ever accepted a bottle.
From that moment on, I felt an overwhelming sense of entrapment with my colicky baby who wouldn’t sleep and my toddler, Mia, who was in a perpetual state of tantrum. I began to question my choice to leave my full-time writing career for the unpredictable world of freelancing. I was overwhelmed, anxious, sad, and furious every. single. day.
One fateful evening, during one of Mia’s tantrums, I lost control. I could feel the words I was about to unleash. I wanted to scream at her, to make her stop (thankfully, I didn’t). I felt like I was in a nightmare I couldn’t escape. The rage surged through me; it was a feeling unlike anything I had ever experienced. Luckily, my partner was there to step in. The thought of how I acted that night still makes me feel physically ill.
The following day, I reached out to both my primary care doctor and my OB-GYN. With their support, I was prescribed Zoloft and quickly started therapy. Remarkably, I felt a shift within days. The sadness, disinterest in life, and anxiety began to ease with the medication. However, the rage was a different beast altogether. While the Zoloft helped, it was the therapy that truly allowed me to manage it better.
Fast forward four years, and I’m still navigating my mental health. After the initial PPD improved, I faced a different type of depression following the sudden loss of my father. I’m not sure what to classify it as now, but I’m still dealing with it.
The rage, however, remains the trickiest symptom to manage and is often the least discussed aspect of depression. That’s why I’m sharing my story. If you’re a fellow mom grappling with PPD, depression, or the accompanying rage, know that you are not alone. You are not a bad mother. Help is available, and things can improve if you seek it out.
Motherhood is about facing challenges, and sometimes the hardest challenge is asking for help. I vividly remember how daunting that first phone call was for me. Now, I understand that depression can touch anyone, and those intense feelings do not define my worth as a parent. With the right medication, therapy, and healthier lifestyle choices, I’m reclaiming my sense of self.
Yes, I still battle with the shadows of depression, sadness, and rage. But for the first time in a long while, I feel like I am winning.
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Summary:
The unexpected rage associated with postpartum depression was a shocking realization for many mothers. This personal journey highlights the importance of seeking help to manage feelings of anger, anxiety, and sadness. With support, therapy, and medication, it’s possible to reclaim a sense of self and navigate the challenges of motherhood.
Keyphrase: postpartum depression and rage
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