Last week, an article by Jenna Ford titled “What’s Holding Back Gender Equality? Child Care Costs That Outstrip College Tuition” made waves on social media, sparking a flood of frustrated reactions. My story resonates with many middle-class women: Before becoming a mother, I held a decent job, but nothing extraordinary. I worked as a contractor, which meant no health insurance or maternity leave. When the recession struck, I found out I was expecting my first child, and my work opportunities vanished. Unemployment benefits weren’t an option, and finding a job that could cover child care for one child — and eventually two — was nearly impossible. Moreover, the available child care options made me uncomfortable, primarily consisting of undocumented women lacking formal training or overworked day care staff.
Despite this, I constantly told myself and others that staying home was a choice. “Those early years are invaluable.” “I have plenty of time to work later…” and so on. Most of my stay-at-home friends echoed similar sentiments. Yet, occasionally, one of us would admit that we might have liked to work part-time, maybe two to four days a week, if such positions existed. We longed for jobs that didn’t demand 70-hour weeks, and we certainly couldn’t justify spending $40,000 a year on potentially inadequate or unsafe child care. The thought of leaving a three-month-old baby in daycare, especially with just 12 weeks of maternity leave, was unbearable.
So we “chose” to step away from our careers.
Framing this as a choice is often easier than confronting the reality of an impossible situation.
The notion of choice is pervasive in discussions about family-friendly policies. Comments on articles addressing the challenges of balancing work and child care often include remarks like, “Having kids is a choice—why should everyone else pay for your daycare? You don’t pay for my pet care!” This makes me wonder: If only wealthy individuals are allowed to have children, who will take care of the future generation when the working class disappears? Will parents simply put out ads in fancy magazines like Town and Country?
Another aspect of choice is the assumption that women willingly enter low-paying care jobs, opt for flexible positions to remain available for their families, and decide to leave the workforce when the pressure of unpaid sick days becomes too overwhelming. Meanwhile, those left behind grumble about “picking up the slack” for their colleagues on maternity leave.
Adopting this narrative of choice is less painful than admitting that, despite your education and efforts, achieving a “work-life balance” is unattainable. You might be searching for creative lunchbox ideas online because you want to, not because your career aspirations faded after having children. (And I enjoy lunch ideas like anyone else, but I’d rather not have them be my full-time gig.)
Research by Nicole M. Stephens at Kellogg School of Management and Cynthia S. Levine at Northwestern reveals that framing the situation as a choice obscures the structural barriers parents, especially women, face when trying to balance work and family. They found that mothers who viewed their current situations as deliberate choices were less likely to recognize the gender inequality illustrated by statistical data than those who didn’t frame it that way.
In a follow-up study, undergraduates exposed to a message about choice were more likely to assert that gender inequality had been resolved and that there were equal opportunities for men and women in the workforce. Another sociological study indicated that both men and women often perpetuate traditional dating and marital roles, framing them as personal preferences.
The narrative of choice might feel empowering, but in truth, our only real choice was the timing of when to say “I quit.” The pressures of working, affording child care, and managing sick days and holidays became unbearable. In my case, claiming that I chose to stay home ignores the cultural conditioning that pushed me toward this role: my husband’s career was more established at our marriage, and he prioritized being a good provider. I, on the other hand, valued flexibility and the ability to be home during snow days. Our childhood experiences shaped our career paths—his in engineering and mine in the arts. We both absorbed societal messages about men as breadwinners and women as caregivers. My employer’s refusal to hire salaried employees or offer family-friendly benefits was a choice he made because he wasn’t compelled to do otherwise. Furthermore, the lack of political will for subsidized child care or mandated parental leave only exacerbates the pressure that drives many women from the workforce.
The idea of choice is comfortable; it allows women who might feel cornered by child care costs and stagnant wages to reclaim some sense of control. It also deflects responsibility from employers who fail to provide adequate benefits and politicians who neglect to enact supportive legislation. Yet, pretending that everyone has infinite options blinds us to the realities parents face and dulls our empathy for those struggling. After all, if a woman has a child out of wedlock and works at a coffee shop, some might argue she should have made wiser choices.
Until we acknowledge that children are a reality, someone has to care for them, and that society as a whole benefits from family-friendly policies, our “choices” will only lead us to two undesirable outcomes.
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In summary, the complexities surrounding child care and employment often trap parents, particularly women, in tough choices that are less about preference and more about necessity. We must advocate for policies that support families to foster a healthier work-life balance.
Keyphrase: child care policies
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