3:30 a.m.
A mother softly hums, tightening the swaddling blanket around her baby. She wonders if it’s too tight. The guide she read claims that swaddling snugly will soothe him. Yet, the baby wails and kicks against the fabric, growing more furious with each moment. She rocks him gently. He screams. She sways. He screams. He’s been changed, fed, and burped, but the cacophony continues. Perhaps something’s genuinely wrong. She unwraps the blanket, secures him in his car seat, and sets off for Urgent Care. Halfway there, silence envelops the car. Is he breathing? Yes, he’s just fallen asleep. Relieved, she turns back home, parks in the garage, and cautiously switches off the ignition. Opening the door feels too risky, so she reclines her seat, wipes away a tear of fatigue, and dozes off.
8:30 a.m.
A mother informs her toddler that it’s time to get dressed. “NO! I no wanna get dressed!” “But we need to get ready to go, sweetheart.” “NO! I no wanna to go!” According to the guide, cooperative language is essential. “Come on, let’s get dressed. I’ll help you.” She gently takes her daughter’s hand, only to watch her dissolve into a puddle on the floor. The guide suggests offering choices to toddlers. “Would you prefer the green shirt or the pink one?” “NO!” “No is not an option, darling. What do you want to wear?” “NO! NO! NO!” Just then, the baby begins to cry. In one swift motion, Mom yanks off the toddler’s pajama top and wrestles the pink shirt over her head. “NO! I no want this shirt!” “Well, you should have chosen one. Do you want to pick your pants?” “NO! I no want pants! NO NO NO!” Really? thinks Mom. Choices, my foot.
3:30 p.m.
A mother picks her son up from kindergarten. He proudly presents a painting he created. “Look at my picture, Mommy! Isn’t it cool?” The guide instructs non-judgmental feedback. “Oh, it’s so colorful!” she responds. “Yeah! It’s a dragon! Do you like it?” he asks eagerly. The guide advises focusing on effort rather than the outcome. “You clearly worked hard on that!” The boy’s shoulders droop slightly. “Yeah, but do you like it, Mommy? I made it for you.” The guide warns that praise can hinder children’s internal motivation… but look at that little face… “Sweetie, I love it. I think it’s the coolest dragon I’ve ever seen.” Instantly, her son beams and wraps his arms around her waist. Forget the guide.
Ah, the guides. At some point in our parenting journey, we come to realize that raising humans is far more intricate than we ever imagined. We look to the guides for help, clutching them like lifelines in a dark room. We stack them on our nightstands, hoping to absorb their wisdom through sheer proximity. Each time we discover a new one, we think we’ve found The Answer, The Solution, The Key to mastering this parenting gig.
But here’s the catch with these guides: Much of the advice appears fantastic on paper. It sounds plausible, logical, and simple. Theories on behavior management, discipline philosophies, ideas about what kids need—it all seems straightforward… until you step into the real world.
Kids are often not logical—in fact, they can be downright irrational little creatures. They’re not simple; they possess complexities as unique as any adult, and their needs are as individual as fingerprints.
Over the past 15 years of parenting three kids, one thing has become crystal clear: parenting is a deeply personal journey. Trying to apply one guide’s philosophy directly to your family can lead to frustration. What might “work” for one child may not resonate with another. A method that succeeds for a time may suddenly fail. One guide might be a blessing for someone else’s family but a poor fit for yours. Many guides sound fabulous in theory, yet don’t translate well into practice.
Throughout my parenting adventure, I’ve fluctuated between admiration and disdain for various guides. My favorites feature comic strip scenarios depicting interactions between parents and children that supposedly illustrate the tips being offered. You know the ones where the child exclaims, “Oh, yes! I feel so calm and centered now because you listened to me,” or “Bedtime seems so inviting now that you’ve made me feel safe.” HA! If only it were that easy. My kids never followed a script.
Parenting is more art than science, more organic than systematic, and definitely more improv than script. That said, research and structured methods do have their place in parenting. They can be invaluable tools. Yet, what works on paper doesn’t always translate to real life. There’s a constant need for trial and error. Kids are ever-changing, and nurturing them is inherently complex.
After years of reading and reflecting on these guides, I’ve reached this conclusion: at some point, you must develop your own parenting philosophy rooted in your values, beliefs, personality, and vision for your family. It may seem daunting, but it’s not as difficult as it sounds—just take time to reflect and jot it down. Having a clear framework that embodies your unique family is far more beneficial in the long run than any one-size-fits-all approach.
Another crucial aspect is truly understanding your kids. Continuously learn about them—“Learn your learners,” as a wise coach once said. Strive to connect with your children as individuals, adapting your methods based on their unique personalities and temperaments while staying true to your overarching parenting philosophy.
There’s nothing wrong with parenting according to the guides—as long as it’s your guide and not someone else’s. Stay attuned to the reality of parenting off the page, because that’s where the beautiful, challenging experience of raising humans unfolds.
Summary:
Parenting is a complex journey that often defies the advice found in parenting guides. Each child’s uniqueness means that what works for one may not work for another, and the reality of daily parenting often diverges from theoretical models. Instead of rigidly adhering to external philosophies, parents should cultivate their own approaches based on their values and the individuality of their children. Emphasizing understanding and connection with each child allows for a more fulfilling parenting experience.
Keyphrase: Parenting Without a Script
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