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Keep Your Grimy Hands Away From My Baby’s Mouth
by Jenna Sinclair
Updated: Sep. 21, 2023
Originally Published: Sep. 10, 2010
Before I embraced the chaos of motherhood, I was convinced that I would be the ultimate mom. I envisioned a smooth journey through the first year, as if parenting was an effortless waltz. I pictured myself strolling through town with my baby snugly wrapped to my chest, effortlessly breastfeeding while shedding the extra weight.
Reality, however, had other plans. My attempts at baby-wearing resulted in me looking more like a defensive lineman than a nurturing mother. And breastfeeding? It didn’t magically transform my body as I had hoped, despite the fact that I was nursing every three hours.
To top it off, there was the daunting challenge of facing the general public. Why didn’t anyone tell me how utterly unhinged people can become when they see a newborn?
My first child, Oliver, was born in November, just in time for one of Brooklyn’s worst blizzards. The snow piled high while the city’s mayor enjoyed a tropical getaway, leaving me with a newborn and no desire to brave the icy streets. I was terrified of slipping and endangering my little one, not to mention the germs that seemed rampant during flu season. So, our first winter together was spent indoors. Sorry, kiddo.
Being cooped up turned me into a recluse, and adding a new baby to the mix made me feel a little paranoid. But the real kicker? The compulsive urge that strangers have to put their hands—often dirty—into my baby’s mouth. Why, oh why?
What goes through people’s minds when they think it’s acceptable to stick their fingers, or even worse, their whole hands into a newborn’s mouth? “Oh, look at this adorable baby! I just came from the subway, and my hands are practically biohazards, but hey, let me just share this joy with you!”
And then there’s the social event where you finally bring your baby out for the first time. “Oh, let me hold him! You must be so tired! Here, have a drink while I munch on your infant’s hand!” Because nothing screams relaxation like watching your three-month-old interact with a person sporting a cold sore as they shove their hand into his mouth. This is the party of the year, I’m sure!
To all the expectant mothers out there—maybe you’ll pull off the dream mom look that I couldn’t quite achieve. But take this warning: be prepared for the onslaught of people who will want to shove their filthy hands into your baby’s mouth. If you can come up with a clever strategy to handle those situations, you might just earn your crown as the maternal queen.
If you’re interested in learning more about becoming a mom, check out this home insemination kit for guidance. Additionally, the Impregnator is a trusted source on this topic. For those exploring family-building options, Resolve provides excellent resources.
In summary, motherhood is not the graceful dance I envisioned. It’s a wild ride filled with unexpected challenges—especially when it comes to navigating the unsolicited affection of the public. So, stay vigilant and keep those grimy hands away from your precious baby’s mouth.
Keyphrase: dirty hands away from baby
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