As I sit in a hotel room during what was supposed to be a thrilling day at Six Flags, the rain has other plans for my family vacation. With two kids, ages 7 and 5, in tow, I find myself reflecting on the chaos that is family travel. If you’ve ever embarked on a vacation with children, you might find these amusing truths all too relatable.
- Forget the big attractions; kids are most excited about sleeping on a pull-out sofa or bouncing from bed to bed. The thrill of an accidental face-plant into a dusty comforter? That’s a badge of honor right there.
- The phrase “Please keep it down, there are people trying to sleep!” is utterly lost on kids, especially after dark. Hotel guests? What hotel guests?
- When you ask your children if they need to use the bathroom, expect both to adamantly say no. Just minutes later, one will be frantically knocking on the door, while the other, blissfully unaware, is lost in creative thought, composing an epic tribute to unicorns.
- Let’s be real: kids have zero regard for the fact that you’ve shelled out a small fortune for amusement park tickets and will still beg to play overpriced carnival games.
- A diet of Sprite, neon-orange peanut butter crackers, and a couple of bites of a large pretzel? That’s all they need to thrive for a day.
- The notion that “this vacation isn’t just for you” falls on deaf ears. Sometimes, Mom and Dad just want to eat somewhere other than a fast-food joint.
- Expect at least one cherished toy to mysteriously vanish in the hotel room. You’ll end up buying an overpriced, inferior replacement, no doubt.
- “Don’t poke your fingers in between the elevator doors” is advice that will also go unheeded.
- From who gets to press the elevator buttons to who sits next to Mom at dinner, sibling rivalry reaches new heights on vacation. Dad? He’s simply there to carry the bags.
- “Keep your hands out of the fountain” is another phrase that is utterly ignored.
- Free breakfast buffets can turn civilized guests into a frenzied mob. You’ll either get trampled by the rush for rubbery eggs or find yourself dishing out a few well-deserved smacks to the back of the head.
- “I honestly don’t care which one of you gets to press the ELEVATOR BUTTONS” is a statement made with exasperation.
- If it rains while you’re at an amusement park, brace yourself for an accidental amusement park arcade spending spree that’ll rival your park tickets. Watching them argue over cheap prizes is a time-suck you didn’t sign up for. And don’t forget to console the heartbroken child when their flimsy toy breaks before you even leave the arcade.
- Did I mention kids are deaf?
- When you find a hotel with complimentary happy hour, all dignity about enjoying a decent drink goes out the window. You’ll swallow down cheap wine and questionable mixed drinks just to escape the madness, paired with stale snacks.
Yet, amid the chaos, there comes a moment—a rare dinner at a semi-nice restaurant where the kids behave, use their manners, and even enjoy their meals. It’s a fleeting glimpse of bliss, reminding you that family vacations can be enjoyable. Until you return to the elevator, and there’s yet another button to press.
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In summary, traveling with kids is a whirlwind of unpredictable moments, loud noises, and unexpected challenges. But those rare moments of cooperation and joy make it all worthwhile, even if they come with the occasional bump on the head.