Updated: January 27, 2015
Originally Published: July 2, 2010
After months of preparation and endless pep talks, not to mention countless readings of those delightful flap books that make flushing sounds, I think we might finally be making headway with my son. We’ve endured countless rewards, endless tears, and over $20 worth of little boy underwear that somehow found its way to the trash instead of the laundry basket. After numerous unplanned accidents, I’m cautiously optimistic that he has grasped the concept of “urge equals the big boy chair.”
When nature calls, he dashes to the bathroom, executing the expected sequence of events for independent toileting. But here’s where we hit a snag: technique and follow-through. Imagine a basketball player at the free-throw line during a championship game, with only half a second left on the clock. Our reality? No graceful form and certainly no game-winning shot. Air balls, every time. “Sorry kiddo, it looks like you’re benched for the season.”
My son is determined to emulate the “stand up routine” he sees his father perform. It’s endearing, but given his short stature, he struggles to achieve any measure of success. What would really help is if he would actually use the chair designed to contain his little “manhood.” That chair cost me forty bucks and is now a pristine piece of furniture, sitting unused beside the toilet—ironically, the only thing in the bathroom that doesn’t get sprayed by his little fountain.
As a girl, I don’t know how to teach aim. We sit and let nature take its course, wiping down afterwards and moving on with our lives. It’s not glamorous, but it works. The whole idea of standing to pee? Utterly ridiculous. It’s messy, and at this point, I’d rather my husband and son find a tree in the yard than deal with my dwindling supply of rubber gloves and disinfecting wipes. “Sorry neighbors, but now it’s your problem.”
We’ve tried various strategies, but my husband deserves credit for the best idea yet: “target practice.” Throw something in the toilet bowl—be it a square of toilet paper, a marshmallow, or a Cheerio—and cheer him on: “Hit it, buddy!” But alas, it’s a fire hose without a fireman directing the flow. The chaos is astounding. “Redirect, redirect!” It’s clear he won’t be a firefighter, but perhaps a famous abstract artist flinging paint from afar. Regardless of what he becomes, I just hope he’s not the type who leaves the seat up and neglects to clean up after himself.
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In summary, toilet training can be a hilarious and challenging journey. With creativity, patience, and maybe a little luck, we’ll navigate this messy phase together.
Keyphrase: toilet training tips
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