My father passed away in 2008, and my marriage crumbled in 2013. For those of us who have experienced the loss of a parent followed by the dissolution of a marriage, the two events often feel intertwined, as if one absence left a void that the other could not fill.
It’s undoubtedly more complex than that, but after enduring considerable grief and emotional upheaval, both my children and I have found a semblance of balance. We can go about our lives without constantly being weighed down by our losses—at least, until Father’s Day rolls around.
Father’s Day can feel like a chaotic nightmare when your dad has passed and your children’s father is nowhere to be found. It becomes a day to endure rather than celebrate.
While we may be told not to invest energy into Hallmark holidays, I can assure you that my kids and I do care deeply. I was genuinely moved this year when my children surprised me on Mother’s Day with breakfast in bed and a delightful museum visit. I appreciated a friend’s annual birthday party on Valentine’s Day, which was a welcome distraction from solitude. And I was touched to receive a beautiful bouquet from another friend facing his own difficult breakup.
Despite what critics say about the commercialization of these days, they often stem from sincere intentions. Why not take a moment each year to tell your mother you love her? Why not express affection to a partner? Unfortunately, you need your father present to share those feelings, which is a bummer.
When I declare that I had the best father ever, it’s not an attempt at boasting; it’s a genuine reflection of my experience. While I recognize that many others might feel the same about their dads, my truth stands: my father was truly exceptional.
Not only did I hold him in high regard, but my friends also adored him, often choosing to spend time with him over their own fathers. Weekend adventures included fishing trips, art projects, museum visits, and even sledding followed by hot chocolate and Simon and Garfunkel. I recall watching both Tommy and Jaws in theaters when they first released—at a mere 9 years old!
One memorable story I shared at his funeral involved a trip to Japan. During a business visit, we stumbled upon the “For Tea Lady Festival” in Kawasaki. Expecting a quaint cultural experience, we were instead met with a sea of revelers carrying papier-mâché penises. My father, ever the good sport, bought us both penis balloons and we joined in the parade without skipping a beat—just another example of his adventurous spirit.
Now, every Father’s Day brings the painful reminder of his absence. Last year was particularly challenging, as my children’s father was also not present. I can’t recall how we spent that day—perhaps I blocked it out—but I hope we at least went for a bike ride, something that always filled my dad with joy. My happiest memories are of riding on the back of his bike, feeling the wind in my hair while he spoke about the beauty of nature.
This year, however, my daughter’s high school graduation coincides with Father’s Day, and my ex-husband plans to visit. He has even mentioned the possibility of moving back, which would mean the world to our younger son. Hearing this news filled me with relief; my little boy will get to spend time with his dad again, and I can cherish my dad’s memory while biking with “Sounds of Silence” playing in my ears.
In summary, Father’s Day can be a bittersweet reminder of loss, but it can also bring new hope and appreciation for the relationships we still have. For those navigating similar challenges, connecting with others and sharing experiences can be incredibly valuable.
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